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My question to myself or to anyone who wants to answer. How do you communicate to someone who you�ve been with for long times that it�s time to maybe take a break. Is there such a thing as a trial separation in the Gay community? I hate that my personality is so rigid at times, so structured. I want things to be written out. I want a legal separation where we explain what we will and will not do when it comes to the house and or mutual bills. I want counseling but I don�t think I want it while we are together because he won�t do it. How do I talk to someone who can out yell me and out talk me? How to do I talk to some who continues to say that he�s tired of being blamed for everything but then starts to blame me for everything.

Do you ever get to the point where you�re just tired? I want to run. I just want to get in my car and go to the airport and go someone where alone. Where I can be me; the real me. I want to run to some of my Diaryland friends and just show up and say �show me a good time�, remind me what it�s like to be single and un-responsible for anyone but myself.

It�s so sad to me that my definition of loyalty and the fact that I�m in the closet to my family has left me alone, only having Diaryland for my outlet. That can�t be normal. I have no real friends. I wish I could cry. I just want to break down in tears but they won�t come. I need that cathartic cry fest but I�m just sitting here hoping that at some point I won�t hear the patter downstairs meaning that he�s asleep. Is it the alcohol that is the problem? Is it my job, his job? Is it our age difference? Am I hitting a mid-life crisis? Is it really my fault but I�m to vain or stubborn to see it. I don�t think it�s fair that I have to find the counselor. I have to find everything. I have to find the real estate agent; I have to find the mortgage guy. I have to find the plumbing guy, I have to plan the vacation and make the flight arrangements. I have to pick where we�re going to dinner. God can I please just show up and have it done. God I wish I were straight right now. I just want a normal life where I can have normal problems. I just want it to end right now. I just want to rest and be at peace. But I guess death is the only way to get that peace. How sad. I remember reading somewhere the peace only comes at death. There was an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer where a statement was said, that Death is Your Gift. Of course in the serious we learn that truly her death was the gift to all civilization as she saved the world by dieing but also her death was the gift to herself, for all the hell she went through being Buffy the Vampire Slayer she was finished at peace. Death was her gift. So I wonder will death be my gift for being Gay, for being Black, for being a Male, for being a slacker, for being a flight attendant. Is death my true reward?

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