Can't think of anything good to go here.

I�ve been drinking a lot again recently. I think that I�ve had something to drink everyday this week and this is totally not like me at all. It scares me because I like myself a lot more when I have a few drinks in me. I know that I�m more social and brave. I guess that�s where the term liquid courage came from. I�m having a beer right now and I�m very relaxed which also makes me happy but again it scares me because I see my father in me. My father is a functioning alcoholic. He never missed a day of work or passed out in some seedy bar but he is an alcoholic. I know that a lot of people feel that alcoholism is genetic. I don�t know. I�m just a little worried. I wish that I was confident.

Last night JAB and I went to Mary�s. I was so social. I loved how I could talk to anyone. There was this very attractive man who was sitting next to us. It wasn�t a lust thing it was an intimidation thing. He was built. I wish I had a body like his. Somehow we all started talking and I was like the life of the party. Today, in hindsight, I�m a nervous wreck because JAB invited him and his partner over for dinner and that is so not my scene. People like this guy intimidate me so much that I know I won�t have a good time. Luckily, JAB was supposed to call him today but he forgot so maybe it will fall through.

How messed up am I? You don�t really have to answer.

Different subject. I�m not sure how far I will get into this but the whole issue of monogamy is raising its head. A friend of ours said that you�re either freaky now or freaky later. He directed that towards me telling me that I�ve not �gotten my freak on� and when I do I�m going to explode. That is so scary to me. I guess because I can see that. I can see this. I can�t imagine cheating on JAB. JAB has made it plain and clear that he doesn�t want any sort of open relationship. I don�t either. I�m just curious. I�ve been in a relationship since I was 24 years old. We�ve never even discussed having a 3-way or anything like that. I can�t imagine what my life would be life if I knew of the possibility that JAB was out with someone else while I was at work. I�m reading a blog where their relationship is open. In some ways it�s exciting. He has the Brian Kinney from Queer as Folks philosophy that monogamy is a rule that straight people made up. That it doesn�t belong in the Gay community. That sex is nothing more than sex. Yes I have had great sex with people who I never had a relationship with and no, sex with JAB isn�t nearly as exciting as it was 12 years ago but I�m not sure� I don�t know my mind is racing and I don�t really know why. It�s not like I have an opportunity or I want one It�s just one of those things that is so prevalent in the Gay community. We have very few friends who are monogamous. So at times I feel like we don�t connect with them and that�s why we have more straight couple friends than Gay couple friends. Again, I�m rambling. Time for me to go to bed so I can get up and go to that evil place that gives me a small paycheck twice a month.

My Weather