Happy Birthday to Me

It's very telling that the last time I posted on this was a year ago. I've always kept journals. I stopped and started but I always had them. While the first one is long gone and I can't find the one previous to this, I've always known that their are major theme's in my life. I don't feel like I'm important. I don't feel that there's really a spark that makes people want to get to know me and the people that I do I have to hide my life because I don't have the courage to tell people that I'm Gay or that I'm with a White person.

As I stated last year at this time, it's all about me. This year things are not crashing financially at the same rate, I guess leveling off. JAB got into a car accident and to me is addicted to the pain medication now and is also or has always been addicted to alcohol. I realize that his lack of and desire for growth and my constant desire to find a way to grow and be the person I've always wanted to be, is coming to a head. I don't know if it's just because he's gettig older or what.

If I had the money and if I could explain to my parents why I'm leaving "my" house I would leave. It's not the love it's the fact that I feel stuck. He's not going to change and it doesn't make sense for me to continue to expect him to change. I have to change. I say that every year...

So Happy Birthday to me.

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