Anniversary

I just don�t understand the problems that JAB and I have. I really don�t get it. I know that I have a very short temper and it�s getting shorter as time goes on. Obviously, well I shouldn�t say obviously because most people do fun things on their anniversary, we didn�t. We fought. I broke a glass and hurt my hand slamming the door. I just don�t get it. I really don�t. I know we keep talking about getting counseling but it always ends there because I have the counselor. JAB isn�t even sure if we need counseling because if I could just understand that it�s us and not him then things would be better. My thing is if he could see what he�s doing wrong and work on that then I would feel better about working on my problems. Does that make sense?

I�m not even sure why I�m even trying. I�m so tired. I�m tired of fighting and I�m tired of being tired of fighting. I try to break up but it just falls apart. I�m not even sure I want to break up I just want things to change. I want things to be different. I know that relationships aren�t all sugar, spice and the rest of the junk but I also know that this can�t be right. I don�t know what else to do. We fall into the same traps all the time. I know that I�m wrong in bugging him about how he looks and how he dresses and how he lives an organized mess of a life. I know that in my family nagging is an art and I am the artist. But I don�t nag just for the sake. But maybe nagging isn�t what I should be doing. But I feel like if I don�t nag and tell him where he�s falling short then he falls and I get blamed for not telling him. I think in some ways counseling would help but I�m being stubborn because again, like most things I have to find the person. JAB does a lot of stuff for me. I�m not saying that but everything that needs to be planned or done or organized I do it. Vacations, I plan them, where we�re going to eat, I decided. I�m just tired. If it�s important to him then couldn�t he find someone for us to go to. I know that I�m the computer expert not really but compared to JAB who still can�t figure out how to check his email, I�m an expert.

All I want from him is just to admit that he�s not perfect and that I don�t cause him to do things. That�s all I want. I want for him to say that he�s wrong without having it followed by �but you do this too� or �you made me do this�. That has never happened. I believe in the idea that it takes two people to do things but I always believe that we can�t work thing out if we forget what he�s done and just focus on me. That�s what happens. I�m so depressed right now. I just wish I could blink my eyes and be someplace else. Someplace where there are no bills, no worries, just wine or drinks and good music and good conversation. Maybe I�m asking too much. Maybe I�m living in a fairy tale. I just think that I deserve it. I�m not a bad person, I�m flawed like everyone else, but I�m not bad and I think I deserve to be treated well and not snapped at or not constantly told that I�m annoying.

So Happy Fucking Anniversary to me.

Oh and someone emailed me and suggested that I go to blog.com. I don�t know much about it but maybe it�s the change that I need. Who knows.

My Weather