Anger, Depression and Questions

I am really getting to the point that I have to leave this job. I put in for a leave in the middle of February because my parents are coming and I wanted some time afterwards so JAB and I could maybe have a post-birthday getaway. I didn't get it. The most junior person to get had 25 years. I have 13. I'm just tired of all of this bullshit about seniority. It's the slowest time in the airline industry. The thing that I think bothers me the most is that these people who have 20-30 years as flight attendants are clueless they know nothing about what's going on in our industry. I talked to a woman today who had no idea that we had furloughed flight attendants. She knew nothing about the fact that we were closing 5 bases and that about 40 percent of them are coming to ATL. She just looked at me and said, "really, I didn't know that." I am so bored and unfulfilled here. Nothing matters as long as you show up to work. The people that I have to serve are rude. I never hear thank you. I went to college, I went to a good school, I got descent grades and had a good job before I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I can not imagine being here 30 years only being judged on how long I've been there not on what I do or think or what I can add. I know this feeling will past but right now I feel so trapped and I feel like I've wasted my life away following a promise that never will happen. When I wanted to quit after the first year, and every year thereafter, a person who had been there longer always told me not to quit because it would get better. I would hold better trips with better days off. That was a lie. I think it's one of those things where misery loves company. But they're not miserable. I think in some ways, and this sounds harsh, but flight attendants are the biggest losers. When I was in San Diego the night before last the women who had 25 years were telling me how they love the job. I asked them what they loved about it. They said how much fun they have here and how the love the people. They told me that this was the best job in the world because of the time off they had. I remarked that I was feeling as if my brain was melting away because I wasn't being stimulated the way others are at their job. They told me that that was the part they loved about it. That they got paid not to think. It really scared me when they said that because they were serious and I just wonder if that's what happens when you stay at a no skills job like I have and you get to the point that you know that there is nothing else left for you.

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On MLK day, the day after my my hangover., I forced myself to go with my friend Eddie to two different screenings, The Murder of Emmett Till and Two Towns of Jasper . They both affected me in different ways for very different reasons. The first went through the story of Emmett Till, a 14 year old black kid from Chicago who went to live with his family in Mississippi to have a "better" life. He whistled at a White woman and two days later, her wife and brother in law kidnapped him and killed him viciously. The murder and the subsequent acquittal of the white men started the Civil Rights movement. The thing that bothered me was that I didn't really know the story. I heard vague accounts but it was never taught to me in school. Why is that? The second screenings was called Two Towns of Jasper . Two close childhood friends, one black and one white go to Jasper Texas where a racially motivated murder took place. James Byrd was beaten viciously and then dragged behind a car for 3 miles and killed by 3 White men. These two men go to this town during and after the trial and separately talk to the Blacks and Whites of the town. It amazed me how there is still such a divide between Blacks and Whites. It didn't amaze me as much as saddened me. I realized that at in the Town of Jasper, the Black people and White people have pretty much just given up. They don't really care for the "other side" anymore. Both sides are tired of trying and just feel like it�s just best to stay with their own kind. After the screenings, Eddie and I went to have coffee and he asked me how I could date a White person after seeing the two films. Of course I said what was in my heart, I love JAB. JAB would never do that. White people are not all evil the same way Black people are not all evil. Eddie told me something that really made me think. He told me that no "celebrities" came to the aid of James Byrd the way everyone did for Mathew Sheppard. He told me where Black people went to Wyoming to show their outrage over Mathew Sheppard�s death that White people and the White community said it was sad but moved on. Eddie is a nice guy who since I have known him has only dated Black men. I didn't think anything about it until he told me why. He told me that his first partner was a White man. I was literally in shock. He told me that to this day he loved him. He then told me how back in 1996 the White guy told him that his White friends told him that they couldn't deal with him dating a Black guy because Black guys are just "different". Eddie told me that the White guy said that he loved Eddie but that in the long run it wouldn�t work and they broke up. Eddie cried over it and it�s been 7 years. He told me that the gay community would never accept Blacks unless they were drag queens. He told me that the majority of the Gay community didn�t want Black people near them. I of disagreed. I have many White gay friends but I started thinking about the level of the friendships. I started thinking about why so many of my Black friends are so open to date any race. That might say, I prefer a Black man but I wouldn�t not date someone because of their race. I have never heard a White gay man say that. Eddie reminded me how many times in my city when you go to the gay personals that at the end they will say No-Fems, No-Fats, No-Blacks. I guess I�ve always known that but because I don�t look for people in the personals I don�t really care. Eddie asked me to go around and ask the White gay men that I know how many Black friends they have and then ask them how many friends they have who are out of shape, or as he puts it, �not pretty�. Eddie feels that Gay men would rather be around anyone else accept for Black people. Because I don�t know every White Gay person around I can�t asks that question. I know that in smaller towns like the one that I came out, the gay community was just that, a community because there were only 2 gay bars. Because of that you didn�t get the segregation that you get in larger cities. He told me that in the long run the Gay community would never accept us because we are not what the mainstream gay community want to see or be. I am not a twink, or a bear or anything. I am just a Black guy and because of that I do not have a category and the Gay community is all about categories. Eddie told me about a time when his then partner and he went out to a club and someone scratched Nigger Lover on his partner�s car. He told me how for a while the partner was mad at Eddie and told him that he had to understand the �rules of the game� when it came to the Gay community. . Eddie asked me a question that is still with me today and that I need an answer to, because I feel that I have withdrawn from JAB. I can sense it and so can he. Eddie asked me if I was Gay first or Black first and he told me that one day I was going to have to choose. What does that mean and if I did, what would I choose and why is it that on the day that was supposed to celebrate a man who believed in non-violence and equality across the board that I now felt like I was the biggest outcast. What am I? Am I Black first or Gay first? And do I really have to decide?

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