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JAB has told me for years that he was done. He was done changing. He didn't want to change anymore. He feels that he has changed a lot. I agree that he has changed but I believe that due to things that has happened in his life he's not the same person.
Then again maybe it's me. I've changed. I want to change. I want to be a better person. Yes, I get tired and worn down but I want to grow.
JAB always said that his dream was to just retire and just live. I'm ok with the retirement part but I still want to grow.
The problem is now we're talking about at all. We haven't said a word to each all day. I left to go to work without saying a word which he will use for his defense to show that I'm spoiled but he doesn't understand that a hug doesn't help things go away. I'm angry and hurt and I want him to listen to me. Yes to him it's something small and he will say that I misunderstood but in the long run I know that he loves me but I don't think he likes me. I don't think he understands what I need. He's never ask. He's not that kind of person. JAB can talk all day but when it comes to other's feelings he seems to be trapped. He doesn't like to go deep into things. He thinks I want to go too deep.
I'm so sad but at some point I'm hitting my head against the wall because things are not going to change. He doesn't want to go to counseling (we can't afford it, which is true). He's not interested in reading or doing the self help thing.
I can't make him be the person that I need. I can't make him think before he speaks or understand that his words are harmful and hurtful.
Now how to end this when all I want him to do is to try to meet me half way. Not going to happen. I think it's over.
My Weather
