Taking an obvious break

I don�t understand why right now I am in such a slump right now. The more I think about it the more I think that I need to be on some sort of anti depression medicine. I don�t understand why I hate myself so much and how I seem to portray myself to others. I think that part of the problem is that I�m trying so hard to no let it on that I�m Gay but then not let it on either. Does that make sense? Nothing I say or do make sense any more. That�s why I�m taking a break from this diary thing for a while because I end up sounding like such a looser. I took some time last week and re read all of my entries. I re read all of my written journals and I was disgusted by myself.

The funny thing is that now that I am the brokest I�ve ever been this is when I need therapy big time. I�ve said it before, I�ve gone before but I feel like I�m trying to hold on to something. Anything. I found myself crying during the news coverage of the airplane crash in Greece because it hit my how for 15 years I did that. I took off and landed not even thinking about it. I cried because I imagined how my parents would react if something happened to me. I cried and cried and cried. Luckily JAB was out. I finally recovered and wondered what the hell happened. It�s like I�m going crazy. I really feel like I�m living in this make believe world where everyone fits and communicates and I�m just there. I can�t get along with my parents or JAB. I�ve been told by two people at work that I �talk� weird and that I act �White�. The last time I went out to Mary�s I was told that I have a lot of attitude and people don�t know why? I�m almost 40 years old and I feel like I�ve made a complete and total mess of my life.

I quit my airline job taking a 40% pay cut and all I dream about is being a flight attendant. I swear every night I have some sort of dream where I�m still flying. What the hell does that mean? Ok as you can see this is why I�m taking a little break from posting stuff because I�m tired of coming across as some lunatic freak when deep inside I feel like a normal guy who just wants to be loved and liked and respected.

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