random

First let me admit that I�ve been drinking. A lot but not a lot for me as person. I guess it�s not a big surprise to people but when I drink I become more open. I�ll talk about anything. I�m an open book. I�m that way anyway but when I drink I become even more so.

Jab on the other hand is different. In my interpretation he becomes the guy who won�t let you get a word in edge wise. What ever the topic he�s going to chime I and roll with it unless it�s politics where he�ll just sit there and listen but he�ll let you that it doesn�t interest him at all.

Now as I was thinking I believe at this point in my life sans death I will be with JAB forever and I�m ok with that. I really am. I love him he loves me. But I don�t know if he�s my soul mate because of when we drink. It may not make sense but my mother always said that my grandmother said that the drunken mind speaks the sober soul and I believe that. JAB is going through a lot. He�s been through a lot and I think at this point in his life he�s bitter and unhappy. Now of course he�s not going to say it but his actions show it.

Now I�m not without fault. I�m almost the opposite. I�ll be in pain and drunk or sober I won�t share it. Right now I�m thinking about an episode of The L Word. If you don�t watch the show then I�m sorry but I�m too tired and buzzed to set it up but pretty much two best friends become partners and their having problems. Alice says at one point that she doesn�t have her best friend to talk to and the other girl says that she understands because she�s lost her best friend too. That�s what I feel like. At this point my best friend is this stupid diary. I have a lot of aquantence but no one that I feel comfortable enough to talk to really. Like I want to talk about the guy who was hitting on me at the bar. I would never do anything but I enjoyed it. I enjoyed hearing that I looked good. It�s not that I don�t want to hear it from JAB but I like hearing from an impartial jury. I wish that I could have a night that was mine and my �friend or friends� who I could trust. Who didn�t want to sleep with me or break up my relationship. But someone who I could go out with alone and be who I truly am. I�m not a bad person but I also think I�m not who JAB thinks I am either.

Ok I�m going to let this go because I feel like I�m bitching or complaining. I just in my deepest heart of hearts. I need a best friend. How pathetic is that�.

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