Random Thoughts

I told my mother the other day that I was tired. She asked me if I thought I made the right decision. I asked her about what and she said about leaving my airline. I told her that I was tired and that I had to admit that getting up everyday was strange but I that I was happy. I really am. It�s been over a month since I�ve stepped on an airplane and I don�t miss it at all. I thought I would miss the days off but I don�t. Ok I do in some ways but I spent a lot of time doing nothing really. I would surf the net all day. Watch soap operas and talk to my other few other airline friends but that was about it. I wasn�t writing anymore I was just existing. The came out with the actual pictures of our uniform on actual people. I thought I would have a twinge of nostalgia or something. I did see that they added a turtleneck for men which kind of pissed me off because for 15 years I�ve been dieing to wear a turtle neck and now they�ve allowed it. But as I looked at the pictures I had this thought of I don�t know. Nothing. It�s strange.

I�ve also found all of these flight attendant blogs. I read them and I�m just kind of thinking, again. Nothing. The best part of being a flight attendant ended a long time ago for me. I always think of the Evita movie. I�m not sure if it�s in the real musical or not but there�s a part where Madonna, playing Evita comes into In Peron's apartment and address Peron�s younger mistress and say �Hello and goodbye! I've just unemployed you. You can go back to school--you had a good run I'm sure he enjoyed you� . I feel like that. I had a good run, I enjoyed it while it lasted but the last 3 years was miserable and it was so time to move on.

Now the thing is that with my new job the newness is wearing off and I�m seeing some realities.

1) I�m going to be the middle guy because I can get along with anyone which is a good thing and a bad thing I think. I truly play the whole spectrum of the personalities there but it�s going to be a shaky situation and hard not to piss off someone at some point and time.

2) I�m going to have a lot of work and I�m probably going to have to work some weekend days and I�m not paid very much.

3) Moving up is not going to be easy.

All that being said I�m ready for the challenge. I�m not ready for the small paycheck but I�m ready for the challenge.

I had two dreams which were disturbing. First I dreamed that Gladys Knight died and it saddened me. I�ve always been a big Gladys fan but mostly her old stuff. I know that one of the Pips died. I�m not sure which one but I thought I heard it on the radio. My Mom went to grade school with Gladys. In my dream I had to tell my Mother that Gladys had died and she took it really hard and I took it hard because they are so close in age (even though Gladys has shaved about 3-5 years off)

Then later I dreamed that I was friends with Jeff Gannon
. Not in a sexual way but that he invited JAB and I to dinner and I wasn�t sure if we should bring up the whole escort thing. JAB said that we shouldn�t and we didn�t. He had a very nice house and told me how happy he was that we stuck by him. Very strange.

Finally in this strange entry JAB and I have a chance to part of this potluck group with some other Gay men around town. All we have to do is email and put ourselves on the list. I�m terrified. I hate meeting new people. I�m so bad at it. JAB asked me if I�d done it yet and I hadn�t. We�ve met this very nice guy at Mary�s and we see him every Friday. I know he�s going to ask and I don�t know what to say. JAB is so much braver that I am.

Is it bad that I really should go to my parents house on Saturday but really don't want to go. I just want to do some work on the house. But I haven't seen them in two weeks.

my computer is performing poorly and I think I need to reinstall everything. I hate doing that but I think it needs to be done.

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