God's little joke on me.
1. Not really that big of a deal but there�s rumors that Mary�s the neighborhood Gay bar that JAB and I frequent has been sold. Now I mentioned how lame New Years Eve was there but truth be told I like going there because on any given day there is a range of people there, Black, White, Gay, Straight, Young, Old. I hope this rumor isn�t true but it�s starting to sound like. I like the fact that JAB and I can go to a bar that�s close by and we don�t feel out of place. Atlanta is a very pretentious city and I don�t think we will find another place to fit in.
2. The next thing is something that has bothered me a lot in life and I still don�t know how to handle it. On my flight today we were delayed due to air traffic control. Long story short the passengers were more than likely going to miss their connections. The head flight attendant asked me to make a PA telling them the procedure when they arrived in Atlanta. She said that passengers tend to listen to a male voice more and it would help her out. I did the PA. It lasted about a minute. I was walking through the cabin and a Black passenger stopped me and asked me a question. I answered it. She thanked me and then asked me if anyone has ever told me that I sounded White. I told her no and walked away. I was upset because I�ve been told that a lot at work. Often I�ll make a PA and people appear to be surprised and somewhat shocked when the see that it�s me making the PA. It bothers me. I have to admit that when making PA�s or speaking in public I do enunciate more because I grew up with a speech impediment and I�m a stutterer. Often the only way I can control is to enunciate more than usually. I guess my problem is that the way the woman approached me made me feel like I was some kind of sell out or something. I�m tired of people in this country making me feel like I�m some oddity. Here�s a news flash, we�re not all rappers. The majority of us aren�t. Unfortunately I learned early on that a lot of people in this country and sometimes the world base their opinion on Black people on what they see on tv and unfortunately the majority of what we see on tv that relates to Black people isn�t positive.
I know I�ve been told before by people who have left me messages or notes on this board that I focus to much on race but it seems like whenever I move along in my life and just live with the fact that I am a Black man, someone has to remind me again that I�m doing something wrong. First of all what is �talking White�? Because I don�t use a lot of slang (at least not in public) and I�m not yelling obscenities then I�m speaking White? The funny thing is that in the South, White southerners sound a lot like Black southern. It�s not a bad thing but I�ve heard the term fixen to go to the store or it�s fixen to rain from a lot of White people, just like I�ve heard I axed him a question from a lot of Black people.
I remember the first time I went out in Brighton England by myself to a Gay bar. I was speaking with some of the locals there and one of them told me that they assumed that the majority of Black people in the US were either on drugs, having babies or in jail. I was an oddity. I�ve never forgotten that statement from him. The thing that saddens me the most is that my father speaks well and he grew up very poor but he realized that if you spoke well you could move ahead faster and sometimes get out of trouble from people i.e. Police who assumed that you were �up to no good.� My father taught me that. I would get in trouble growing up if I used slang. I wasn�t allowed to use the latest 80�s terms. That caused me at times a lot of trouble in life. I appreciate it now but I feel like I�m being judged.
Sometimes, like right now, I�m tired of being different. I�m tired of being Gay and I�m tired of being Black because people won�t just let me be. I don�t fit a certain mode because I�m Gay or because I�m Black. I don�t like Queer as Folk or Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. I don�t listen to rap and my parents have been together for 38 years in May. I know who my father is, I�ve never been to jail and I�ve never used drugs. But no one seems to care because I have to fit this mold. I have a White partner, I at times enjoy watching sports and I tend to be in musical love with Maroon 5 right now. Sue me. But guess what every day I wake up and see the same face that I've seen for almost 37 years I am Black.
I feel like people won�t allow me to be who I am and that�s just DPB, warts and all. I know that I�m probably making a big deal about this and this too shall pass but I�m exhausted living this live called mine. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be a White Heterosexual Republican Male or really any White person at all. I�m not saying that it�s always easy for anyone on this earth. That�s why my little catch phrase that the hardest thing in this world is to live in it. Because I believe it. It�s hard to live in this word but sometimes I feel like God played a little joke on me and made me Black from a middle class household who grew up in a predominately white area who happens to be Gay who doesn�t fit in anywhere. I don�t fit in with White people because I�m too Black and I don�t fit in with Black people because I speak White. Yes God, this is extremely funny. The joke is on me.
My Weather
