Random Thoughts

1. The holidays are coming and I�m not sure if I�m ready for it.

2. I got cruised at the airport on Saturday. Even though the guy was not my type at all it made me feel good. On Thursday there was another male flight attendant on board and two very gay passengers. They were very smitten with him. I felt very low and ugly. Saturday I felt very attractive even though I hate my uniform and it�s the most ill fighting thing I�ve ever worn in my entire life.

3. For some reason again I�ve been thinking about what it would be like to have a brother or a sister. Again I�m over dosing on my sci-fi television but watching Charmed makes me think if siblings are always holding hands and hugging like on tv. I wonder if I would tell my sibling that I was gay. I wonder would my sibling tell my parents that I was gay. I wonder if my sibling would be anything like me. Would I be the black sheep or would I be the good one always having to lend them money. Would my sibling me my Dad�s favorite? What if he died in some horrible way like what happened to Susan St. James son. Would I be able to hold the family together? I�ll never know.

4. I still dream about my college relationship with Don. It�s been 15 years and I still miss him greatly. I wonder if I could do the time travel thing and change the one day when it all went to hell. Would I have stayed in the Northwest? Would I have had such a desire to move? Would he still keep his girlfriend and just come to me when I started it? He always said that he was straight. He never explained why he would allow us to be together. I miss him. Is that wrong?

5. I need money. Real money and soon.

6. My parents gave my resume to someone and he said that he�s going to pass it along to some sports people that he knows. I hate sports. I really do. Then I started thinking about what if they wanted me to play golf with them. What would I do? I hate golf. I could of course be funny and say it�s such an �old white man�s sport� but then what would happen if I had to play basketball. I can�t dribble. I can feign a leg injury like I did often in high school and college.

7. I believe now that carbs are an additive drug. I was doing a low carb thing for two months and lost about 20 pounds. I don�t remember how I got off of it but I�m off and I see the weight coming back on. It�s always in my face. It goes right to my chin and my stomach. Thanksgiving didn�t help.

8. I want a new house. We can�t afford a new house where I really want to live. My credit score is very low and will probably stay that way for a long time. I want a powder room.

9. JAB is a pack-rat and it�s getting out of hand. It bugs me. We all have junk but JAB needs some sort of intervention that I tried yesterday. It motivated him today to clean the walkway in the back. But I hate always having to be the bad guy.

10. I again wonder what it would be like to be White. I don�t know why but it�s just been on my mind lately. I admit that I have this misconception that life is so much easier when you are White. Of course I know that it�s not true not really. But I wonder what it�s like to be in the majority. To know that you can snap your finger a find someone who thinks your attraction. I just wonder.

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