Thank You

Did you ever want to talk to someone but had no one to talk to. It�s almost 1 am my time. Best case scenario is that it�s almost 11 pm in the west coast which is to late to call someone it�s almost 6 am in England which is to late to call someone. Yes I know if need be I could call someone in this time zone but I don�t want to be rude. Alcohol is such a friend of mine. It�s funny how it can make me happy and sad at the same time. It opens me up. It�s make me release who I am really am. Whether I want to see it or not.

They found a mass in my Dad�s lung x-ray. There�s a part of me that I always said that I wanted my Dad to die first. I could deal with my Mom alone. But now that the idea is a little closer to home I not sure. I�m an alone child. I am truly in this by myself. Yes I have cousins and such but no one grew up with me except for my Mom and Dad. That�s it. I�m so sad right now, Sorry Leo but this is going to be a sappy sad entry. Move on if you'd like. I�m scared and anxious. When my Grandmother was bedridden and living with my parents I used to just wish that she would die, just to get it over with. Of course when she died it crushed me. I wasn�t expecting it. Of course who ever expects it really. It�s always sudden. I love my Dad. I hope he knows that. I don�t want him to die this way. I want him to have a heart attack or a stroke and just die quick. That's what he's always wanted. He always told me that he was a Vietnam Aerovet. They shouldn't have to suffer. Is this my punishment. Of course this may be nothing. They took another x-ray today. Then something else happen that I don�t have the time or energy to discuss here. I want friends. JAB is here but I don�t want to bother him. I just want to drink and drink and pass out. I�ve never done that before but I want to do it tonight. I just want to pass out and wake up tomorrow. No thoughts, no worries. Just wake up. I think I may feel better tomorrow. But there�s this thing that�s in me that makes me think that my Dad is really sick. I don�t know what to do. Life was so easier when I was in college that was really my happiest time. Was that my pinnacle? College? How sad is it that I�m longing to correspond with certain people in my diary list more than JAB. Mea and Badger are my spiritual rock. I can pray with them and they teach me. They are the reason that I believe that honestly it doesn�t matter if you are gay or straight. It�s all about Love.. TMB is in some ways my White Big brother. He�s naughty and nice but logical. He�s what I hope to be when I get to be a little older. He�s so logical and strong. Nothing gets him too much and that�s what I want to be like.. Non-descript gets me because he�s as lost as I am but he deals with it better than I do he let�s me know that it�s all gonna be ok. Lycka is so kind and is always there to let me know that I�m not a freak. Everyone else is just as important and falls in-between. That�s why I don�t have 50 buddies or whatever. That's why I don't get 30 hits per day. It's not really about that. Is this my lesson? I feel like you are all my best friends. I feel like such a looser for reaching out to people who I don�t even know. It�s like some bad Neil Simon film. But that's me and the world has to deal with it. I'm not a bad person just a little off. How sad does that make me? Am I strong enough to deal with this alone? I�m not really alone because I have all of you� RIGHT??? But in some ways how sad is that. But thank you anyway.

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