Quiet House

Our guests are gone. It�s weird because I�m glad to have the house to ourselves but it�s quiet here. Having our friends over is always very interesting because we are in some ways very similar and in others very different. They�ve been together for almost twenty years which is a great thing. They also seem to go through the trials and tribulations of a relationship like JAB and I do. I guess maybe it�s normal. I don�t know.

The thing that I wonder about. Not really wonder but what is curious to me is that they are so open sexually. They�ve tried it all. They go out and hit on people together. I don�t know if they would go through with it but it�s interesting to watch. JAB and I could never do it. I couldn�t handle it. They are so open about the porn they watch and all that stuff. I think they think that I am high and mighty when I say that I don�t do that or I couldn�t do that. Yes I lied. I do look at porn on occasion. No I don�t want to discuss it with JAB. I think some things belong to me. In some ways I wish that JAB and I were as open but in some ways it scares me.

What I like about this couple is that I can tell them things and I�m pretty sure it won�t get back to JAB. I told them that at this point and time I am curious about other relationships. I told them that I could not deal with having an open relationship and that before I would do that I would cheat on JAB. I know that sounds bad. It surprised them. It surprised me. I also told them that I don�t think I would ever really cheat on JAB because I�m scared. I scared of what would happen. I�m scared of what would happen if I enjoyed it or I fell for the other person. I wouldn�t want to hurt JAB that way. I�m so confused.

I can say that spending two days with them I am tired. We went out both Saturday and Sunday night. We had a small cocktail party Sunday afternoon. I�m beat. JAB is too.

It�s sad that Christopher Reeves died. It was a shock to me. I guess he�s in a better place right now. There�s so much on my mind but I can verbalize it right now. I feel anxious and I�m not really sure why. Like the other shoe�s going to drop but I�m not sure if the first one did already. I have FAA required training tomorrow and I haven�t even started studying the book. Maybe that�s why I�m anxious. I wish I could take a valium or something. I just want to calm down. Maybe I�ll have a beer. No. I�ve drank too much these past two days. I wish that I was someone who could fall asleep now and wake up at about 8 am. Never going to happen.

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