The Application

Today I started filling out the online application to substitute teach. One of those things that I�ve never really said to a lot of people is that I would like to teach. The proper term is that I would probably like to instruct. The problem is that I don�t know what. But I�ll move on.

I started the application and the fear started overwhelming me. The what if games that have held me back for so long. I don�t understand myself. I�m working for a company that is about 2 seconds from filing bankruptcy. I work for a company where I hate what I do and I pretty much hate everything they stand for as a corporate being. I hate that as in yesterday three passengers told me how nice I was and how they have faith in my airline because of me. God does that make the phoniest person in the world. Oh well, the question is what aren�t I jumping at opportunities that I could probably get. Truth be told or at least told to me. Black male teachers are a commodity and my parents know someone who works in my county who pretty much said fill out the application and I could probably teach full time until December. Sounds great right. I hate my job, I think I�d like to teach, I could wear my own clothes. So what�s the problem? As always me.

I�m so tired of me. That�s why this diary is not popular because I�m a pretty sickening person. But I�m ok with that. Does that make me even sicker?

Well I�m doing the online application but the system is so slow. Then I have to make a decision whether I would teach anywhere. I won�t. The most important thing is that the county where I would teach is huge so I would like to stay within 20 minute driving range so I had to select No I wouldn�t teach anywhere which opened up another window that listed all of the schools. But I don�t know what grade level I�d like to teach. Honestly kids over 10 or 11 either scare me or irate me so I picked grade school. Then of course I started thinking. How would a male teacher do in an elementary school setting? Of course I�m a 36 year old male not married. Would the parents assume I�m Gay? It got worse after that.

I started researching the 40+ elementary schools on the list and I found a site that pretty much listed the basics of address, percentages of whites, blacks, others and the amount of students who get free lunch. Well that started a whole bunch of other questions. Do I want to sub in an all Black school? Would I get respect in an all White school? What does it mean when 90% of the children are getting free lunch? I was going crazy. Luckily for me the application site went down so I could take a breath.

I haven�t gone back to it yet. I don�t know why I let fear control me. I think the last real courageous thing was when I tried out to be a cheerleader in High School. That worked out well, I guess.

I�ve tired myself out. I�m heading down a very long road and it�s scaring the hell out of me.

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