Facing My Age

There are times, like today when I realize my age. Not really in a bad way but I just realize the stage of my life. Hearing that Rick James had died reminded me of how old I am. I remember at so many school dances hearing Rick James music. I didn�t really like his music but it was such a staple. I remember my Dad telling me that when people that you grew up with start to die you know you�re getting old.

I had my second hit of age while watching my Friday staple of While You Were Out and What Not To Wear . Both dealing with younger people. While You Were Out dealt with redoing a Fraternity House which of course brought back memories of college but for some reason the show didn�t hold me. I guess I can only watch so much of Evan and Andrew but the college kids kind of bored me.

What Not To Wear had the cutest little 16 year old girl. She was so cute and polite and so young. She was respectful and fun and seemed really smart and I thought. Wow she could be my daughter of course I would have only been 20 when she was conceived but still she could be mine. I could have a child who is getting ready for college. It kind of saddened me because I will never know that experience. Now who knows if I would have had the experience if I weren�t Gay; I may never have gotten married or had children but I pretty much now that I will never experience the �joys� of parenthood. I know it�s the best thing but I still don�t know how I feel about it. Time just moves so fast.

I still haven�t gotten myself to a doctor yet and I�ve been experiencing these panic attacks again. Not really attacks but sometimes my pulse is so rapid and I just feel like I�m going to jump out of my skin. Someone who�s diary I was addicted to reading (before he locked it and didn�t give me the password�hint, hint) suggested that maybe I check with the local Gay and Lesbian community and see if I can cross reference a therapist with who�s on my insurance plan. More and more JAB and my parents are telling me that I should consider seeing someone. I guess people have begun noticing my change of behavior. I think of lyrics to the Buffy musical where she sings that she�s , going through the motions, walking through the part, nothing seems to penetrate my heart. That�s how I feel pretty much right now. I�m just floating. I need to see if this rapid pulse thing is me dieing or me just needing some help. I�m just too scared and too tired to do that. Speaking of� I�m going to bed.

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