My Sunday

Today has been nothing but a lazy day. In some ways I like it because it�s Sunday and for a lot of people Sundays are meant to be lazy days but unfortunately all of my days of late have been lazy days. It�s also very depressing that I spent the whole day literally from 1-8 watching the WE reality show Bridezillas. A show that followed around 9 brides to be as they planned their 45 to 150 thousand dollar wedding. It was embarrassing but I got so caught up with it. I�m not sure why. There�s of course the whole, I guess, Gay stereotype of loving the women being all bitchy and about the dresses and such and of course the hope that some of them would have a semi attractive husband (didn�t happen except for the groom from Israel). Then of course it was the gross factor that I had when one of the brides married her father�s colleague. There was like a 20 year age difference. The main thing it was mostly just a prime example of a guilty pleasure.

I then watched six feet under which as always annoyed me and had me intrigued at the same time. The thing I really want to see is Keith and his new bodyguard partner who they seem to be making gay or bi or at least a person wanting a blow job. Even though the story line is very predictable, eye candy � a good thing.

In real life I�m starting to think more and more that either I have some serious heart infection ala the dark hair women in Beaches or I�m having some anxiety problems which are giving me chest pains. I�m thinking that it�s the latter and I need to make a decision on what I�m going to do about it. Life is stressful right now. There�s a lot of stuff going on when it comes to my job and money and I�m at the point where I�m pretty desperate. JAB tells me that everything is going to be ok but in all realization he just bought a new car and just quit one of his clients. I hate that money is always the main root of some many problems and I hate that I hate my job so much that it�s making me crazy.

I know that I can�t continue my life the way it�s going. I know at some point I�m going to need some help. My doctor is a pretty descent man. He�s gay, I think, which in some ways is a good thing but then I�m always so self conscious around Gay people that I tend to worry more about what I�m wearing than being honest about the fact that I could have a emotional problem which is making my chest hurt and heart palpations. When I saw him last time he said that my heart seemed fine. But I think I need to go back and speak with him again. Of course that gives me anxiety because if I go to him and admit that I�m having some problems then I have to admit that I�m not the strong one. I�m not the one who can handle all of the problems.

Thursday I had a serious break down, not as bad as my last episode but bad enough where I was on the floor crying for about an hour and JAB had to rush home and check on me. The crisis was bad but nothing major and didn�t warrant my breakdown which made me wonder what would happen if I truly had a crisis, i.e. death. Would I end up being locked up in some sanatorium or something? In some ways that thought excites me. Not really excites me but it would be a relief a resolution.

Yes I know that I need some help ASAP but guess what, I�m too insecure to call my insurance and get a name of a person who would be preferable Black and Gay but I would take any Gay male because maybe they would understand more what my life is like. That would mean that I would have to tell the person on the phone that I would prefer a Black Gay male first, any Gay male second. I imagine the pause on the phone or worst the fact that they don�t keep those types of stats on a doctor. Oh well something has to give and hopefully it�s not me.

My Weather