My Week

This is has been a long tiring week. I guess nine days. I�ve been sick. My doctor put me on a double dose of my diabetes medicine and it made me sick as a dog. I pretty much stopped eating last Thursday and finally started back eating again two days ago. The scary thing that happened to me, the thing that I need to work on is that on the 5th I had an anxiety attack. I guess that�s what it�s called. My parents were here and enjoying a nice breakfast that JAB made. They truly love JAB which is another subject all unto itself. Well I had to go to work that day. I was sick. I was so weak and I just didn�t want to go to work but I knew that after my tale the week before I had to go so I get up and start taking a shower. I start feeling worse and I start thinking how all I want to do is lay down and sleep but I�d been sleeping for about 3 days straight and I had to go to work. I had to go to a job that I hated and have JAB take my parents home, I wasn�t feeling good and the steam from the shower started making me light headed. But I knew I had to go to work. I got out of the shower and felt like someone was sitting on my chest. I thought that I was going to die. I just started gasping for air. It�s funny how you think about things, I thought that if I�m going to die I don�t want to be nude and then I thought I need help. I wrapped a towel around me and made it to the stop of the stairs where I remember trying to call for JAB. I don�t know how he heard me but he did and that�s when everyone came up and I fell to the ground. I remember bits and pieces; I remember asking for my mom and dad, begging really. I was so scared and in some was so embarrassed and pissed off because I�m not supposed to die before them but I�ve always had this fear that my punishment for all the sins I�ve committed in my life would be to die and not be there for my parents. I remember wanting JAB to hold me but then wanting to be in my mom�s lap. At some point someone called 911 and they came. I remember them trying to put a bag over my face but I was fighting them because I couldn�t breathe and my hands were starting to curl up so I knew my time was pretty limited. I remember just wanting to go to sleep and just sleep and then they got me to put the bag over my mouth for about a minute and then put me on oxygen. Things become clearer there and I�m embarrassed so I don�t want to open my eyes. One of the paramedics kept calling my Derrick instead of my real name which made my mom upset and then finally the paramedic made me open my eyes and he told me that I should go to the emergency room just to be checked out but that he was sure that I�d just hyperventilated.

Well to make a long story short, I obviously didn�t go to work and went to the emergency room where they determined that I was dehydrated and stressed. They gave me a Zanex which made me sleep and I went home that night.

I�m stressed. I need a new job. I understand that now because it�s affecting my health. My regular doctor who I saw on the 6th changed my medicine and I�ve been feeling better. Just tired and I think that comes from being mentally tired. Of course my mom and dad were worried and are now trying to use their connections to get me a job. 36 years old and still needing my parents to help me with employment. Of course they are suggesting that I need to talk to someone which may not be a bad idea. I'm not against thearpy I just don't know if I can take talking to people about myself because I feel like I come across like a spoiled brat who can't deal with life which is why I'm constantly editing what I write here so people won't judge me as being a bigger looser than I feel.

I don�t know where my life turned a very strange corner but it has. My doctor wrote my out for the rest of the week and half of next but deep in the corners of my mind I know I have to go back and deal with my job. I feel like such a looser. There are people out there who have such stressful jobs and here I am complaining because I don�t like to pour cokes for people anymore. But I guess the thing that people don�t realize is the other stuff that goes with that. Which I don�t want to go into now. My life has to change. I just don�t know how. But people change jobs and homes and spouses all the time so maybe it won�t be too hard. I feel lost and I�m sick of it. Anyone in ATL want to hire me? Just kidding� kinda.

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