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Sometimes it bothers me so much that I can�t have a great relationship with my dad. I love me dad but there�s just something about him that bugs me. Sometimes I feel like he has to be the center of attention all the time. Every story that is told he has something to say or add. Some anecdote that inevitably happened back when he was in military which I�ve determined was his glory years.

I wonder if I am the same way. I talk a lot especially when I feel comfortable with people I have a lot of stories also. I need to work on that. I just wished that I could get along better with my Dad. I wished that I didn�t cringe every time he spoke. I have such a better relationship with my Mom. I know my Dad knows that because he says that we are always picking on him. I know that I do pick on him but a lot of times it�s the old passive aggressive behavior that he taught me.

I�m really thinking about going to counseling again full time. Some things have happened in the past couple of days that is making me think about where my life is headed and what I can do the �normal� person that I�ve always wanted to be.

I bought a pair of shoes today. These shoes in brown. My new favorite color. I bought them not because I particularly wanted them I bought them because I wanted to know what it feels like to just see a pair of shoes and not worry about the price and have the salesman treat me like I was an important customer who can afford a pair of shows that are $147. Yes that�s how much I paid for one pair of shoes. I could have gone out to the nice shoe outlet and paid 80 for a pair of shoes that I really wanted but told myself they were too expensive to buy. I�ve thought about taking them back but I know I won�t do it. I don�t have the guts to do but now I will just have to wear them every day for the next year so I can feel like I got my moneys worth. I paid for shoes what should go towards my credit card bills. What do you do when you know why you�re doing something but you know that it�s wrong but you can�t stop doing it. I have to get a grip on my life. ASAP. When am I going to realize that it�s not about the clothes or shoes that I wear it�s about me. It�s about what�s inside of me and what I have in the future. I�m going to be one of those people who will have to work until I�m 80 because I wore great shoes when I was in my 30�s.

I feel like there are so many people going to therapy/counseling and I wonder if it�s really needed. It�s like my Dad said today. Most people are just lacking common sense. I know I am. I can�t believe I bought those shoes. I was almost too embarrassed to write it in here but I feel like I needed to suck it up and receive the ridicule and disgust from the people out there. I deserve it. So please give it to me.

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