Thoughts of death---Kind of depressing don't read.

I had this weird thought today. What if I have stomach cancer? That�s always my fear. To get one of those cancers that is pretty much incurable. Yes I realize that I am a hypochondriac. I get it but today I was so depressed and again had to think about death. There is a part of me that I am ready to die. It goes back to my whole Buffy the Vampire Slayer that I rely on probably way to much but there�s a part of me that I think I�ve done what I�ve had to do. Of course that�s not true. I haven�t been to Hawaii in a long time. I haven�t returned to London like I�ve wanted to. I wanna go to Santa Fe. So there�s a bunch of stuff that I haven�t done but I�ve always thought that my life was best short and sweet and there�s a part of me that I�ve thought that I�ve reached my pinnacle.

There have been so many times these past two weeks that I half way seriously thought about suicide. Again I�m saying that it just crossed my mind. I realize that suicide is such a selfish thing and at times I�m a selfish person. I�m in discomfort and there doesn�t seem to be a quick fix so I want to end it all. There was a time maybe 5-6 years ago that I really just wanted to end it all because things were not working out. I don�t know if I�ve ever said that out loud (in writing before) I just want a break. But the one thing that this diaryland has given me is to know that everyone, especially people who are in my buddy list go through ups and downs too. Of course I feel like they do it much better than me but this diary has given me a lot of strength that I didn�t have before.

Of course then I think about my parents and that�s when the whole cancer thing depresses me again. My parents call me almost every day to ask if I�m feeling better. I should lie and say yes but I guess I�m too self absorbed? My mom started crying the other day and begged me to go out there and stay with them. I had to comfort her and tell her that I was ok. Even when in my mind I�m scared to death. I don�t do sick well. That�s a typical male thing so I hear.

This entry is turning out so much darker that I�d intended. Sorry about that. I guess I want to live a live that�s different than my own. I want to be fun and witty. I want to love being a flight attendant. I want to love where I live. I want to be healthy. I want to be happy. That�s all.

My Weather