Randon
I was going to rewrite it but I decided not to, this is what I was feeling last night at around 11pm.
I wrote in someone�s guest book yesterday that I wouldn�t complain about my job because his job sounded pretty nasty. So I�m not really going to complain. Today was one of those 13 hour days. Especially if you count the fact that I got up around 7 am and I got home about 30 minutes ago.
The trip wasn�t too bad. It was a very interesting crew. In a good way. We broached a lot of interesting conversations and I realized that I like to talk about issues. I enjoy conversations even controversial ones. As the one of the flight attendants said, this would be such a good layover crew. But alas, it was just a turn around.
I became aware of again today something that I need to come to grips with. I am strangely attracted to straight men. Men who I know are straight. The thing that is strange is that there is this strong sexual attraction that I feel towards them but I don�t want them sexually. Does that make sense. I guess, as one male flight attendant put it, �the straight guys are all hot now.� I know that I�ve always been a sexual person. In fact my sex drive is pretty high but then in some ways sex turns me off too. The male flight attendant and I were talking about it and he was describing what he would do with this fairly attractive young (25 but 25 is young to me) man and it just turned me off. I�m at a loss for words because I can�t describe how I feel. It�s like if one of these straight guys said yes I want to experiment I would probably loose interest. Is that the wanting what you can�t have syndrome.
What I do notice about myself which I happen to pride myself on is that you don�t have to be the hot bod type straight guy to peak my interest. The guy that I was entranced with had a belly, not a big one but he didn�t have a six pack or anything. But he was just all guy and that�s what I think turned me on. Ok, I�m embarrassing myself using the phrase turn me on so I�m going to move on.
Just some quick things to end this. Rosie and her partner got �married�. Why isn�t this an issue to me. Why can�t I care about this whole marriage thing? When I told one of the female flight attendants that JAB and I have been together for over 12 years, she said, �you�re common law married.� We actually had a very interesting conversation regarding the whole gay marriage thing and she shared with me that she was a �Christian� but not one of those freaky ones and that she was a virgin at 35. For some reason I was so impressed with her and I really liked her. It�s people like that I would love to hang out with and maybe do coffee but I can never figure out the difference between jumpseat friends (people that you sit on the jumpseat with and tell your complete personal history to and never see again) and someone who I would like to add to my life. I wish I had the courage to email her or something and say �hey, why don�t you stop by and have a drink or something.� But I know I won�t.
Lastly, I saw myself today. Or someone who I thought of as myself 20 or so years ago. There was a group of high school students going to Costa Rica. There was this young black male probably about 15 or 16. He reminded me so much of myself. I�m going to say this and I don�t mean it in a perverted way but he was trying to flirt with me. I know it because I did it to. But then when he also tried to flirt with the little girl students who he was traveling with. I wanted to take him in my arms not in a sexual way but in a big brother way and tell him how hard his life was going to be. I wanted to tell him that he was going to date women, sleep with them. He was going to attend college and probably join a fraternity and have dates with women but he was also going to have this deep desire to be with a man. He was going to be confused and disturbed but in the long run he will be happy. Just like me.
Wow this has been one fractured entry. I�m sure I ran most of you off so let me go to bed.
My Weather
