I DON'T WANT TO GO

There has to be a reason why I�ve been off pretty much all week and the weather has been awful; cold, cloudy. Typical February weather. Then when it�s time for me to go to work, the sun comes out. It�s going to be 60 degrees and I�ll be stuck on an airplane. I�m pissed and very depressed.

I�ve been having this conversation with myself for the past couple of days. How long is this going to last? I can�t stay here anymore. I just can�t. I�m tired of talking about it and I�m tired of feeling bad. I try not to dwell on it but something has to change. I feel like so much stuff is up in the air, (no pun intended) and I don�t know what to do or where to turn. I applied for a job as a bank teller and actually got a call back. But did I call her back? No. The reason why? I have no idea. I know I don�t want to be a bank teller but I also know that I don�t want to work 2-3 weekends out of the month. I was listening to NPR the other day and the guest said that if there�s no change in your life it�s because you truly don�t want it. Is that true. Do I really not want to leave? Is that why I�m procrastinating and not doing what I need to do to find a new career.

JAB�s friend has a friend who is a higher up at a major luxury hotel here. We�ve discussed JAB talking to him for me but I know obviously at some point I would have to talk to him myself and I become so nervous and insecure. I feel as it I�m such a failure. It would be so easy if I liked my job. I�ve been reading this other blog who is a flight attendant and I become so envious because he�s having so much fun, going on vacation, flying to Europe, South America. I just want that excitement but then when I read closer I see that he�s not living a life that I want to live. He�s not honest with his partner about his �extra layover� activities and I can honestly say that I�ve had my fun. Not as much fun that I could have had because my airline has extremely boring employees but I can say that I�ve been there and done that. Now I just want to have fun at home with friends. But JAB and I both have jobs where finding friends can be difficult.

Ok I don�t even want to get into that. I just feel at loose ends and then last night I had plane crash dreams which freaked me out a little a little more than usual.

Oh well nothing I can do about it now. But get dressed and get on the road. I wish I at least worked with fun people but alas that�s not going to happen.

This week is going to suck. I just need to prepare myself for it.

My Weather