I'M A BAD, BAD, PERSON

I think I understand, at least in some way, when hate turns into lust. But the question I have in my mind is whether it was really hate or was it the fact that knew that I had a lack of opportunity.

There is a couple who come into Mary�s. They always bugged me because they on one had portrayed themselves as this happy couple but one of them seems to be such a slut. Such in slut that in fact I never see the couple leave together. One day about six months ago. The slut of the relationship came up to me and hit on me. It was a flirtation thing which I�m good at but feel uncomfortable about when I�m around JAB because we do not have an open relationship. The slut guy and I were flirting and I pretty much shut him down which I know and have heard pissed him off. I know that he told someone else that I was �very conceited�.

Well I haven�t seen Slut guy and his partner in a while and while they have been gone I�ve pretty much slammed them to a couple of people, especially the Slut guy. In fact every once in a while JAB and I will talk about how we haven�t seen them and we actually assumed that they had broken up. Well we saw them today. First the partner, who works for the same airline as I do. And then I saw the Slut guy and I can�t explain why I became so attracted to him. I really don�t know why. But he did his whole flirtation thing and he said how much he enjoyed being next to me. Of course JAB wasn�t around. But the problem is that right now, at this moment I found myself thinking about him. JAB just walked in to say goodnight which now makes me feel guiltier than I did before, but I will continue. For some reason I really found myself thinking about Slut guy in a sexual way, and it makes me angry with myself. He�s everything that I dislike about the Gay community but I actually caught myself fantasizing about him. The strange thing is that I truly didn�t plan on it. I was just sitting at my computer checking my email and I realized that I was thinking about him and the semi-nasty things he said to me and for a second, a brief second I wished that I had responded. I feel so dirty right now. I would never cheat on JAB and if I did, it wouldn�t be with someone like this guy but then would this be the perfect guy. Ok I�ve just grossed myself out by writing the last sentence. I�m not that kind of person. I need to remember that. Am I a bad person? If not why do I feel like I am.

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