Relationships

There are some things that I wished JAB understood about me. Things that we have worked on for the years that we have been together. It�s nothing big or anything that is much more than an annoyance but it just something that I wished that we could over come. JAB doesn�t trust me when it comes to basic judgments. Turning to the positive first. JAB realizes that when it comes to computers and the dressing he knows to come to me. JAB and I went out tonight to Mary�s and we were talking to this guy who said that he didn�t have all of the gay genes. He said that he couldn�t decorate and he didn�t really know how to dress beyond t-shirt and jeans. JAB said that he was missing that gene too but that I wasn�t. I was surprised by that because I never hear that from here. Ok here�s the thing. Tonight I really felt like JAB had too much to drink. It wasn�t anything overly obvious but I�ve been with him for over ten years so I know when he starts to get that glaze over his eyes that it�s time for him to go. The problem with JAB is that when he drinks he gets a back bone. That�s the only way to describe it. He becomes very defiant. Which is what happened tonight? When I realized that it was time for us to leave. We did. JAB was kinda stumbling at that point so I asked him to let me drive. It wasn�t that I hadn�t drunk anything because I had. But I had less that he did and I think that in normal circumstance I�m a better driver than JAB is. He�s a safer driver as far as going the speed limit etc, but I think that I�m the better driver. Normally JAB let�s me drive home when I ask him to. It�s not very often but he lets me do it. I feel that it�s part of our relationship to trust each other in that way. I have several times asked JAB to drive home for me because I know my levels. But tonight he said no. He was so defiant. He told me that he was fine. I didn�t know what to do. If it was just a stranger I would have walked home. It would have been I�m guessing about a 20-30 minute walk because we can get home from Mary�s in about 5 minutes. The thing that bothers me is the fact that we don�t have a relationship where he trusts me enough to say �ok he seems serious about it so let me do it.�

I know that one of the major problems with our relationship is that JAB thinks that I am the strong hand and I am. I�m the one to tell him that he can�t wear a certain outfit or that he doesn�t need to do a certain thing. I try so hard to just let him be who he is but there�s something�s that he just doesn�t get. I know that I�m over baring but I think that part of the overbearing ness is what has made JAB successful. I�m the one who pushes him. So what do I do? Not put him. Let him walk into the fire and then when he gets burned just say I�m here for you. I know part of the problem is me. I know that I�m not good at picking my battles. I�m on him all the time but he JAB seems to just float along. As I said before JAB is great at reacting but not great at being proactive.

Actually I feel better now getting this out. Where not talking right now but things will be fine tomorrow. I know that now which is a great advance in our relationship. It used to be that we wouldn�t talk for days but I know that things will be ok tomorrow. I just wish that I had a way to let him know that I�m not just being over bearing. I�m trying to keep us safe and well. Oh well life of the old married couple.

I feel like I�m in such a duplicative world. There are times that I read tmb�s diary and I wish I had that type of relationship with JAB that he has with his partner. IT seems as if they are more in a roommate situation where they live together but they have separate lives. TMB is the one my idols because he seems to be so centered. Nothing bothers him. That�s how I want to be. Sometimes I wish that I have the freedom that he has in his life. He has the courage to have freedom. I know that sounds weird but I can�t express it in any other way. But then I read bisometime and katress and I�m so jealous of the passion and devotion that they seem to have with their partners. I don�t know what I want in the long run.

Ok the whining stops now.

Tomorrow, if I have time I will talk about two self esteem boosts. One through my not so secret admirer and one from Mary�s tonight.

Good night.

My Weather