Am I OK?
I got a lot of comments, emails etc regarding my last post. Some one posted in either my comments or notes whether I was ok with myself. The answer is. I don�t know. Right now I�m not that happy with myself. I don�t really mean that I just feel a little confused about my feelings about life in general. Someone asked a FAQ that I haven�t answered yet whether I was Black or Gay first. I so don�t know how to answer that question without either being a totally Polly Ann or being some Black Panther. What I can say is that I�m totally confused. For instance. JAB brought the latest issue of OUT magazine. I was reading through it and I started feeling so insignificant. First of all I�m not 20. I don�t have flat stomach. I�m not blonde and I�m not white. I will probably never being any of those things ever again or ever. The problem that I have is that I don�t feel like I fit into the �Gay� world. I don�t particular like Gay shows because I feel like they are so white bread, pun sorta intended. It goes back to me and my races being invisibility. But in the Black community I�m not welcome either because of the huge homophobia and the closeted issues. So what do I do. The main thing is that I�m sick of thinking about it. I wish that my mind would shut off and I could just read the articles. I wish that I could watch the Queer eye show and not think about how the black was replaced because he didn�t have �chemistry� with the other people. I wish that I could just ignore the fact that there are no black people in Queer as Folk. I wish that I could get past the Black radio host who was calling the now openly Gay bishop a disgrace and a disgusting pedophile. I wish that I could just overlook the dirty looks I get from Black men and woman who realize that JAB and I are together.
I�m just tired. Sometimes I just want to stay in my house and never be exposed to any sort of media or people who think that because I am who I am, I�m just a big looser. The good thing is that deep inside I know I�m not. I just have to keep telling myself that. I wonder if I was White and 25 and the wash board abs etc, would my life be any better. I do think that I am a good, caring person. I think that I am �fairly� attractive. I think that I would be there for anyone who ever really needed it. I think that I dress well, better than most and I think that I have a big heart. But I don�t think anyone else takes the time or energy to see that. That�s when I�m down on myself. The questioned asked by someone was if I was secure with who I am. The answer is sometimes but not often.
And lastly, what the hell is Arnold Schwarzenegger doing running for governor . God help us.
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