It's not about what�s fair it�s about what�s real.

Well I made it back. It wasn�t as bad as I imagined. It never really is. But I do know that this job is not for me anymore. Not that it ever was. The only high light was another male flight attendant. Aaron. I somehow developed a huge crush on him. Yes he was very very straight but was so open and funny. You know how some times you imagine what your life would be like with that person. That�s what I did today. It was nothing more than a fantasy to pass the time but it was fun, at least for me.

I have spent a lot of time recently thinking about what if�s. What if I didn�t meet JAB, what if I hadn�t moved here and had stayed in the Northwest? I know it�s a waste of time but I do a lot. A person asked in my FAQ�s why I was still with JAB. I still can�t answer it. I know that one reason is that I never want to try and date again. It�s not the major reason and probably not in the top ten but it is a reason. I fantasize a lot but the truth of the matter is that I am not a good dater. I don�t like it. Even though at times I wish to be out and about. I like being in a relationship. I think that�s what we are all supposed to do. That�s why I wonder if having an open relationship is such a bad thing. I don�t morally agree with it but I know that there are people who are really having their cake and eating it too and the question is�is that really a bad thing. I was talking to Aaron today about swinging I forgot how it came up but I asked him if he would ever be interested in that and he said something that really stuck with me. He said that he interested but that he knows that once you open the door you can never close it. That�s how I feel about having open relationships. It seems to me that they will always have to be open and I�m not sure if I would want that. Then of course I worry about what would happen if I was the one who was home alone and JAB was out partying it up. I know I couldn�t deal with that well. And then what happens if you get attached to the other person you are having the extra relationship with? Ok I�m doing it again. I need to stop with the questions.

The one thing I did realize today that even though I�ve been off for almost 2 months nothing as really changed except for the rumors. Rumors are running rampant and I think a lot of the people in my seniority are realizing that the writing is on the wall for us. Our jobs are never going to be the same and our company wants it that way. They really don�t care what we think or how we feel. It�s all about keeping the company profitable. We were talking about today whether our CEO has it hard. We figured that even if in the end he screwed up royally he would still be able to leave with a nice exit package. And if you believe the press when they say that only workers in high demand are executives, then our CEO could screw us over and probably find another job in a couple of weeks. That�s the sad part. Unless he does something illegal he will always be able to find another job. As one girl said today, it�s not about what�s fair it�s about what�s real.

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