Update

I have to admit that I�m shocked that I haven�t updated in 7 days. I�m breaking my rule of at least every other day. I have to admit that I�m wondering more and more about this diary thing. This is my second shot at doing this. The first time ended because I became a target of a racist homophobe who pretty much guestbooked me every day. Now I just feel like all I do is complain. I had every intention of writing Saturday night about this underling feeling of being lost. But I decided against because I just felt like I was as tired of hearing it as people are of reading it. Someone posted a question on my FAQ and asked why I had so few people in my buddy list and why so few people had me listed. I was going to respond to him and I will but part of the problem right now is that I feel like life is nothing but a big competition. I was watching America�s Top Model and the girl who I rooted for lost and she was told that she was too smart and talked down to people. I didn�t� see that at all and I loved the way that she pretty much said, I�m going to medical school and you won�t see me again. I want that confidence. Tonight and I realized that competition is something that I really hate. I�m not talking about sports or academics because those are things that in most part are purely objective. But I�m not good with the subjective things. I don�t know why so few people list me as favorites. I want to say that I don�t think it�s important but in reality I�ve wondered the same thing. That makes me so shallow which in the real world I don�t think I am. But then who knows. I remember having an email correspondence with one of my true favorites of the buddy list and I remarked how they pretty much write about neutral things. Not really neutral but I can�t think of a better word at this point. This person remarked that this diary thing was more for writing and not as much for sharing truly personal things. I guess the thing that I enjoy about this person�s writing is that they can keep things on a very general level and I still get very excited when I see the little red letters.

Ok all this is to say what? I don�t know? I know that I enjoy writing my feelings down and deep down, even though I write this for me I enjoy other people�s responses. Right now I am so close to deleting this and taking a shower. As I said before I am so lost right now. Maybe it�s my age but who knows and maybe it�s just best for me to move on.

This week was extremely sad for me. Barry White died. Since I was a child I�ve loved Barry White even back when it wasn�t cool to admit it. When it became cool again, circa Ally McBeal, (gosh that shows seems like it�s been off the air for 10 years now) I could proudly play my Barry White and Love Orchestra with pride. I was saddened to hear that he had been hospitalized so long. Then today, for some reason hearing about the Iranian twins really bothered me. I was up late last night, I didn�t go to bed until almost 4 and the top story on the talk radio station was that one of the twins died. Then when I woke up I heard they had both died. All of this death, including my Aunts might be the reason for my depression. Then yesterday I heard about Michael Savages stupid ass comments. I love MSNBC and I admit that I am a pretty big liberal so I never understood what kind of people who even enjoy Michael�s Savages� type of talk radio. It just really hurt my heart to hear someone have that kind of anger and disgust for someone. I don�t get it. I can honestly say that there are a lot of people who I can say that I don�t care for but I don�t hate anyone. Michael Savage is fool of hate. All I hear is that America is swinging back to the right to those �old time values�. That scares the hell out of me because those old time values would have me using separate bathrooms than JAB. I consider myself full of morals. In fact in the true since of the word I am probably more conservative than most of my friends but I just don�t understand why there are some people who are so considered about who I love or who I sleep with or the pigment of my skin. JAB and I were walking around after dinner and we heard this loud rap music blasting in someone�s car. It was a middle aged white woman. Even though in general I hate rap with a huge passion I was impressed with this woman because she was like �fuck you all yeah I�m in a Volvo convertible and I�m listening to JaRule�. I am starting to write my first article for my friend�s magazine and the name of the article is Black people in the closet. It�s not about being Gay. It�s about Black people who are ashamed to admit that they do or enjoy certain things. I finished an interview with a 20 something year old black woman who is a huge heavy metal fan but she hides her cd�s from her roommate because she is embarrassed that the she loves Poison and White Snake. She said that in her cd player she has 7 cd�s of metal and 3 of R & B and rap just in case one of her friends are in the car with her. She is so embarrassed that I can�t use her real name. Sometime next week I�m speaking with a black guy who is into the rodeo. I�m thinking that we need to all be like the woman in the car today and just say �fuck you all�. That�s my goal.

Well I�m going to visit my aunt and cousin�s tomorrow. I�ll be gone until Saturday. By then I have told myself that I have to make a decision about this diary. Either commit to it or not.

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