pleading for help.

I am quickly coming to the realization that my almost 11 year relationship may be coming to an end. It�s been threatened for a long time now but tonight I feel like I have nothing else to give. I don�t think that I am perfect. Not even close to being perfect. But JAB is going through some things and his anger is bringing us both down. The question I have now is how do you end a relationship after 11 years. This is one of the few times I wish that I was straight or that I was open to my family because right now I would be on a plane to somewhere to get away from him.

The thing that angers me the most right now is that tomorrow JAB will spin this to be all my fault or that fact that I misinterpreted the situation. I have no recourse. I have talked about going to counseling but finding a counselor who can deal with gay couples is not as easy as it looks. I have searched the internet and the gay yellow pages but I can�t seem to find anyone and there is a part of my insecurities that feels like JAB has such a way of portraying his good side that people will think that I am just a freak.

I want this relationship to work. I know that living happy every after is nothing but a fairy tell. I feel so alone right now. I realize that I am totally friendless. I even feel like my online and diary friends are dropping like droves because I do nothing but bitch about my life.

When JAB and I had dinner tonight I could sense his hostility towards me. I tried to make the best of it but he thinks that I am a hypocrite. As he says, he is where I was when we got together and now I am not patient. I can�t be patient anymore. I want him to at least acknowledge the problems and try to work on it but all he does is deflect my statements and tell me how I�ve done the same things to him in the past. Maybe I did. I don�t know all I know is that I�m angry and sad and I�m sick of feeling that way. I feel like the only thing I can do is shock him into realizing what he may give up if his behavior doesn�t change. I can�t think of any thing else to do. If anyone out there has any advice or wisdom please email me because I need it. I don�t want to throw away or years together but I also don�t want to feel this way forever. Even though this is against my nature I am pleading for help. I haven�t felt this lost in a long time.

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