My first question

I received my first question in my FAQ thing. It took me a little longer to answer it than I thought so I figured I would make the question and the answer part of my diary entry today.

Part of the reason why I enjoy writing, especially personal commentaries, is that it releases a lot of feelings that I have bottled up. This question defiantly brings up some feelings about me, my race and choices that I feel I must make at times. I don't have the answers to all of world's ill but I feel better when I face them head on.

So first of all thanks to [email protected] for the question and I hope I answered it to your liking.

7. Why haven't you completely come out of the closet and don't you think that you are hurting the gay community by not doing so? Thanks

First of all thanks for your question, you are the first one.

The answer to your question is one that I have answered many times but it seems to evoke a lot of different opinions and comments.

The main reason for not coming out completely is fear. I�m an only child and in the family department my parents are all that I have. Now does this mean that I think that my parents would disown me? I sincerely doubt it. My parents and I have a strange and I feel special bond that I�m not sure that people who are not only children understand. The best way to sum it up is to say that it�s all about me. I�m not saying that I�m spoiled because I can definitely tell you stories that would debunk the whole spoiled only child thing, but I am the center of my parent�s world. I know that, they know that. It�s not a big secret.

So in my heart I don�t want to hurt them. It�s not important enough to come out to them because I�m not missing enough to risk everything else. Yes I wish that I could discuss some on problems with JAB with my parents and I wish that I could discuss some of the pitfalls of just being me and how that may or may not equate to being gay. But when it�s all said and done I�m really ok with keeping those things to myself. So when I have to choose between being completely open with everyone I add up the pro�s and con�s of telling them and in my eyes the Con�s of telling them weighs out the Pro�s.

To answer your second question no I don�t feel any obligation to the Gay community. In fact I have to honestly say that I am not fond of the Gay community as a whole. This is not to say that I am some Gay �Uncle Tom� or something. I have Gay friends. I am Gay. But to the Gay community I am invisible. As a Black male I am not seen or thought of. The only time a Black person is mentioned is when issues of civil rights come up and the patented answer is �If you replaced the word �gay� with �black� (insert your statement here) This would never be stood for.� If you look at popular Gay television programs I am not scene. In New York there are no Black Gay people in bars. In Pittsburg I am just faceless window dressing for an orgy scene.

This invisibility is also seen in print and advertisement. Go to a popular Gay website such as Gay.Com or PlanetOut.com and you will that people of color are sorely misrepresented if represented at all. Now People of color must also take some of the blame by often living a life �on the down low�. This is not just being in the closet but often living the life of a heterosexual male by day and a Gay male by night. This doesn�t help. All this being said I don�t know if I believe that the more people who are open or out the better life would be for Gay people as a whole. But I don�t feel any strong alliance or allegiance to the Gay community; so coming out solely for the purpose of helping the Gay community wouldn�t be an option.

My Weather