Regrets
I went on line today to write this and read this how the Baseball's Hall of Fame has canceled its tribute for the 15th anniversary of the film Bull Durham because Tim Robbins gave the peace sign during the Oscar and that put the troops at jeopardy. This is really pissing me off. I�m so sick of these so called Pro-War people. I hate that they have hijacked the term �supporting the troops.� If you ever hear them they always say, �Yes I support this war and our troops� Well I support out troops. But I�m against this war and guess what, you can do both, it is possible. I wasn�t around during the whole McCarthy era but this just sounds wrong to me. All I hear about is freedom this and freedom that but I think to a lot of right wingers it�s all lip service. They don�t want freedom they just want everyone to agree with them. I hope this war ends soon so our troops can come home. I think something like 120 American soldiers have died or are missing in action. That�s too many. I love people. All people I thought it was great that all of the Iraqi�s were dancing in the streets and spitting on Sadam Hussein�s statue. The funniest thing was when CNN showed this guy with a picture of Sadam and the guy lift up his robe and put his penis on the picture. They didn�t show anything and they didn�t show it again I don�t think but it was entertaining. I just wonder what�s going to happen 5 years from democracy is a very hard thing to do once you�ve lived under tyranny and I often think that some people actually enjoy it because in the long run it�s easier. What happens if democracy doesn�t stick and they go back to what they were? Then these soldiers died in vain Ok enough war talk.
I had a very weird conversation with my cousin in law yesterday. So strange that it kept me up all night. My cousin in law is/was married to my cousin who was killed September 11. I don�t know her that well. We would get together every 9 months or so. I was based in NYC at the time commuting from here so when I would get stuck in NYC or had an early morning trip I would smooch off them and stay there. She�s a nice woman just very strict and religious. She didn�t drink and I really thought that she didn�t like me because whenever I would show up my cousin and I would have a few drinks and eat unhealthy food. I remember the last time I saw him. I had two trips back to back and the weather was bad so I just stayed up there. He was so excited that I was there. I think that I was a distraction from his crazy life. We went out to this whole in the wall Mexican restaurant and he got drunk. I did too but he got really drunk. I had never seen him drunk before. When we were on the way home we walked by a gay bar. There was a big gay flag there and he looks up and says �you know that�s a gay bar. You can tell by the flag.� I said yes I know I�m a flight attendant. Because I am closeted to all of my family, I was feeling very uncomfortable. He asked me if I wanted to stop and have a drink. I said No that I was fine. He looked disappointed. We walked down a little farther and there was a straight bar and I said that I could probably have one more. We had about 3 more and by that point I was just about to tell him that I was Gay but I stopped and realized that the liquor was talking. That was the last time I actually saw him face to face. Anyway his wife called me yesterday afternoon. I kinda freaked out because she doesn�t call me. I usually call on her little boy�s birthday and talk to him. We did the small talk thing and talked about the war. She gave me her opinion on the new World Trade Center, (she hates it), and then we talked about the war. We then had that lull in the conversation when you know it�s time to get off the phone. I started my goodbyes and my lies about trying to get up there soon. She stopped me and said. �Just real quick, I just want you to know that M (my cousin) knew that you were gay and that he really wanted to connect to you and let you know that you could share his secret with him.� She said that he often talked about how hard it must be for me and how he wished that I could open up to him. She told me that she just wanted me to know. All I could do was so �ok� She then started to cry and told me that M loved me very much and thought that I was his favorite cousin. I just didn�t know what to say. All I could say was that I loved him too. She then composed herself and then said. Well that�s all and can we please keep this conversation between us. I was like, well yeah. I just thought about how disconnected I am from some people, mostly members of my family because I am technically in the closet, even though I�m sure everyone�s figured it out. There�s a part of me that I just want to release it and just come clean, but I�m still afraid. I don�t want people to think differently of me. I am who I am Gay or not. Being Gay doesn�t make me who I am. I think if I were straight I would be the same person pretty much except I would sleep with Women. I wish that I had the courage that so many Gay people have to just come out and be done with it. I don�t know if I ever will. Who knows? But to my cousin M, wherever you are, Thanks and I wish now we would have stopped at that bar and had that drink.
My Weather
