Vacation's over

Today is the last day of my vacation, actually it�s tomorrow but tomorrow I will have to do laundry and get my shirts and uniforms ready to work. In some ways I dread it but in some ways I�m ready to get out of the house. It�s not that I�m lazy or that I hate working it�s just that I hate the job that I have. My friend and Michelle are seriously talking about doing a talk show. I know it sounds strange but for some reason I feel like it may be something that I would enjoy. She�s knows someone who let us have some studio time to make a demo tape and possible even let us have some free phone time so we could actually record how we would react to callers. I don�t know how serious she is. This is the same person who wanted to start a magazine but nothing is really happening. A lot of it is my fault because I could really do some of this on my own but I just don�t feel like I have the confidence to talk to people anymore. I used to be able to talk in any situation. I have a stutter. It was real bad when I was young but I went to speech therapy to fix it. A lot of the therapy was talking to the public. I would have to give speeches or read poems to the special ed class who for some reason was connected to the speech therapist. Because of that I became a pretty descent public speaker. And I don�t really stutter anymore unless, I�m very tired or excited or mad. So it worked out. Anyway, since I�ve had this job I�ve lost a lot of confidence. I do a lot of talking in my job but not really the type that I would like to do. I�ve known all along in my life that I wanted to be a communicator. The talk show format is what interests me now. I like the interaction that you get from people. As I said, we�ll see.

I�m really coming to terms with the fact that in 2 months my parents will be living here. I�m a little scared but I�m also so excited. It reminds me of when I was in college. I always wanted to live in Atlanta. When I growing up I thought that Atlanta was so sophisticated. I�m not really sure where that came from. I guess since I grew up in the Pacific Northwest where formal wear was a pair of khaki�s and a flannel shirt, I just wanted to be somewhere people looked the part. I never thought that I would get to Atlanta. I just didn�t see it in the cards and then this whirlwind happened and I was living here. That�s kind of how the things are with my parents. I never thought that they would move here. They talked about it but I never thought it would happen and now all of the sudden it�s happening. They will be about 35 minutes away. I will have a place to run to if JAB and I argue. If they get sick I won�t have to worry about jumping on a plane and getting there. I just hope it happens smoothly.

Finally, I think I have outed myself to this city. A few months, when JAB and I started going down the street to Mary�s a photographer from one of the gay local pictures asked if we wanted out pictures taken. JAB and I said sure. I made a comment to JAB that we wouldn�t be in the magazine because, you hardly ever see people of color in there. Well the photographer heard me and kind of took me to task saying that he would love to take more pictures of people of color but usually so many of them are in the closet that they don�t want their pictures taken. We discussed the subject for awhile and I pretty much forget about. Well someone told us yesterday that we were in one of the issues. I saw it. I don�t look too bad, JAB looks awful, he won�t smile, he never has.

It�s just weird to me because anyone who sees this magazine will pretty much know that I�m Gay. The only person who might see it are probably other gay people and they already know that I am but you just never know where these magazines end up. It�s probably nothing to worry about and really I�m not it�s just that I know that 5 years ago I would have been the person that the photographer was talking about. I wouldn�t have wanted my picture taking. Now in some ways, I just don�t care. I must be getting old.

I�m thinking about putting the site on here and maybe seeing if people can pick out who I am. It wouldn�t be any fun because to keep JAB and my identity a secret I couldn�t really tell you if you were right. But I might do it anyway just to see if people can picture me or are they close.

I�ll decide tomorrow.

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