Love Suck, but not really.

It�s 3 or so in the morning. JAB is drunk. We went to Mary�s again. This make�s 3 weekends in a row. I don�t like when JAB is drunk because I�m so used to him being in control. I�m the younger one and I should be the one to be drunk. I know it sounds a little selfish. I want him to have a fun time but I just hate when he�s drunk. I feel like we�re in such a strange place right now. Not bad but just off center. I put him to bed downstairs. I don�t deal with drunk to well in bed with me. The thing is that we�re starting to see the same people out and making some connections. I met a guy tonight. He was from Canada. For a second I thought, this is my soul mate. We talked politics all night long. He asked me if I was alone and I told him I was with JAB and he said the good ones are always taken. It made me feel good but� I hate even writing this but I just wanted to say, no I�m free let�s sneak out the back. Of course I don�t mean that but I don�t understand what�s going on with me. Maybe I was happier when we weren�t going out, when we just had straight couples as friends. Then I didn�t know what was really out there. The thing that I always think about is how greener the grass is on the other side. I�m hard to live with. I admit that. Who knows if someone could put up me like JAB does. I�m just pissed at myself because I don�t know what I want. When I was young, in my late teens and early twenties all I wanted was a relationship where I felt like it was the one and only. Was I too young when I hooked up with JAB? I just want a break, but not really. I just want to be single but not really. See it doesn�t make any sense. I don�t want to cheat on him. I don�t want an open relationship. I�m just confused. I think the answer really is to stop going out. It�s not doing me or JAB any good hence the JAB drunk and passed out downstairs. We�re not really meeting anyone of real substance except for the 22 year old female bartender who I love a lot. I don't think that we're going to meet life long friends there. I know I keep saying this but I just don�t get it. I don�t get what I REALLY want. I�m sick of thinking about it and wondering. I think the best thing to do is to just stop going out. We should just spend our Saturday nights at home like most �married� people do. Why couldn�t I be the man that I am now at 22? Would I still be with JAB? I don�t know. I just feel like I�m finding myself. I know who I am as a person and I�m not sure if that person is the same person who would pick JAB as a partner. Love sucks! Not really but� Love Sucks!

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