On Location from Huntsville

I�m in Huntsville Alabama. A very short layover, thank God. I�m ok with it because I�ll be home by 2 pm tomorrow and I�ll be off for a couple of days. Nothing really exciting going on in my life, which is good. Before I went to work tonight JAB was feeling romantic, not sexual but just wanted to hold hands and for some reason I wasn�t in the mood. I was just feeling a little smothered. I don�t know why. Sometimes I wonder if I was just meant to be alone. Is it because I�m an only child? I just wished sometimes that we had more in common. But the thing is I�m not sure what I�m into. We were in my sitting room watching an old episode of the Bionic Woman, I just wanted to watch it and JAB kept making comments like, �that looked real�, �why do they do everything in slow motion?� I just wanted to yell, �Shut the fuck up and let me watch TV�. I didn�t and would have felt really sad if I did.

I had a conversation with Michelle today. She�s really working on the magazine and I see that she�s really taking the part of me being editor seriously. I�m excited but also very scared because this could be my way out of my job and into a life I want but it�s a big responsibility and I�m not sure if I can do it. We�re supposed to start working on a three part story that was my idea that is going to be the central part of the magazine. It all sounded good when we were discussing it but getting out is going to be hard. I feel like I can�t really say too much because I�m not contributing to this venture financially but I believe that Michelle needs to hire some sort of magazine consultant because a lot of her ideas I think won�t work. I speak up most of the time but sometimes I can tell that she�s defensive. I always thought that I wanted to be a journalist. But now that there�s a small chance that I will be, I�m a little worried. I have a lot of ideas but actually getting them out on paper or computer that is.

I told JAB last night that I went out in Las Vegas, of course I left out the part that I kissed a guy. I�m rationalizing to myself that it wasn�t a real kiss, no real tongue involved or anything. It�s just haunting me. I don�t want to cheat. I am not a cheater but I�m starting to really start wanting to. I�ve always been against open relationships. I don�t see how they work; I don�t think I want that. But I just want something new. I�m such a looser. I�m just bored. But I realize that you can�t have your cake and eat it to. I often wonder if straight people have the same issues. I know they have affairs but it seems like its more acceptable in the gay community and I don�t want to be that kind of person. Maybe I�m just having one of those 11 year itch moments. I would never do anything in Atlanta and hopefully one day the traveling won�t be an issue any more. Sometimes I wish that I could be the person that JAB thinks I am. I know I ride him so much. Right now it�s about his hair. I hate it. It�s so unmanageable, on a good day it looks like that Joe Millionaire guy but usually it looks worse than that. The thing is that I was the one who told him to grow his hair out but JAB is a no-nonsense guy who has a job that he doesn�t really dress up. He mentioned today that he was thinking about getting his hair straighten and just cut short. I told him that he should really do it and we looked through an international male catalog to look at hair styles. The thing is that JAB is a 45 going on 46 year old man. Does he need to have an International Male hair cut?

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