WAS IT WORTH IT?
I laid over in Las Vegas again. This time I was ready. I brought my laptop, my book and I was ready for a night of solitude. Of course when I�m looking for it, it doesn�t happen. There was this guy on my trip, William, and he asked me if I wanted to go out? I figured he was gay but I wasn�t sure so when we met down stairs I was thinking that we might just go to a casino and gamble but he came out with his gay bar guide and we were ready to go, we only had a 14 hour layover. To really put it in perspective. We got into Las Vegas about 9:45p and we had to be downstairs for pickup at 11:40a the next day, so figure on sleeping, showering, whatever, we�re not there that long. Anyway, we found this one place called the Buffalo. It was listed as a leather bar but really it was just gloomy and sad. Literally there were 2 guys playing the slot machines looking as if they were dead. Then there was this guy with a Gheri, curl, a white guy, so imagine that image. He had the look of �new meat in town� as tried to talk to William and myself. This is really where the problem begins. William is cute; not my type cute but he is what I call Gay cute. He�s probably about 5-10, 160 slim and muscular. Where I am not that type at all. After doing some research I�m not a bear but I�m not skinny or muscular, I don�t think that I am obese but I could loose 10-20 pounds and be ok. I am usually ok with myself until I get around people who are what is considered the ideal.
Anyway, the whole time the Gheri curl is talking, I�m thinking is he�s after me or William or both or maybe neither. William and I were bored and becoming depressed with the environment and decided to go across the street to another bar. We asked the doorman where we should go on a Monday night and he said to go to Goodtimes. We had our map and on the map it didn�t look like it was very far so we decided to walk. Well actually it was probably a good mile and a half if not two miles but it wasn�t that bad because we had a descent conversation. Once we got to Goodtimes it was packed.
The gay scene in Las Vegas seems very interesting. Compared to Atlanta were everything is very segregated, this place was like a virtual melting pot, Whites, Blacks, Asian, Hispanics, it was nice to see. The problem when you go out with someone you really don�t know is that you don�t know what kind of person they are. For instance it never came up that I was in a relationship. I don�t know if I should have said that right away or not. But it never came up and when I was at the club I realized that I missed a little bit of the excitement of going out, not knowing who you are going to meet. I started to feel guilty because in Atlanta, JAB always wants to go out but I never really want to. But here I am on a layover out. William and I hung out together for awhile. We were on our 3rd drink and we were both getting buzzed. He pulled me aside and said that we should make a pact not to leave each other. I agreed. He then said that he was going to walk around. He left me and I realized that I was feeling very old. I felt like I was in a queer as folk episode and I didn�t fit. I didn�t really bring the right clothes to wear to a club and I definitely wasn�t wearing the tight t-shirts that everyone else was. As I was looking around I realized that I hated this scene. I hated trying to get attention from people. I�m not good at. I don�t think that I�m ugly but I also don�t think that people automatically find me attractive. I know that this is one of my insecurities. I for a while thought that I had a disease where no matter how you look, you see an ugly person in the mirror. Of course I�m thinking that and wishing that I had packed better for this trip and I see that William has found someone. A cute someone. His name is Kevin and he�s just like William, short, built and very nice. He is a dancer at the Tropicana. They made a very nice couple. The problem was that when I saw them together I was jealous and irritated with myself. Why couldn�t I be aggressive enough to start talking to me? Why is it that people never really approach me?
I walked away from William and Kevin, partly out of respect and partly not to dig a deeper hole of depressions. I�m standing near this pool table and I see these guys dragging this guy in my direction. He forces himself away and I hear them say, �Talk to him.� This is a gay bar so there�s tons of him-s. I just walked away and went to another part of the bar. I will never know if they were talking about me or not.
I don�t really want to get into a blow by blow of the night but I can say that I got pretty drunk and I kissed some guy not because I was into him or that he was really into me. I know his type. It�s getting late and he wants someone. At that point, I just wanted attention. I just wanted to feel that even at 35, I still got it. But then I feel guilty because I don�t want to cheat on JAB. I would feel awful and it�s not fair to him but when you are in a long term relationship I don�t think that person can give you that excitement anymore. I pretty much pushed off the other guy and go towards William and Kevin who are in full make out mode. Kevin saw me and called me over, we talked for a while but William at this point was drunk and not making a lot of sense. Kevin was VERY nice and he seemed kind. He was telling me how Las Vegas was only a place for visitors not for people who live there because the people who live there are trying to compete with each other. That�s probably is true everywhere. As Kevin was talking to me I realized that I had fallen into a trap that I always do. I�m always the guy to talk to. I didn�t really want Kevin. He was hot and probably would have been great in bed but he wasn�t the type of guy that I�d want to live everyday of my life with. I have that already. But I wanted Kevin to want me. I wanted him to be trying to find ways to impress me. I just wanted to feel wanted. I know I sound so lame.
At about 5am Kevin took William and me back to the hotel. At this point, I�m drunk and my stomach hurts. I went to bed around 6 and woke up straight as a board at 9 am. Which meant that I got all of 3 hours of sleep. On the flights back home William asked me if all the pain we were feeling was worth it. I told him yes but I really don�t know.
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