DIARY ON LOCATION

This diary is done on location from Las Vegas Nevada. That may sound fun but actually I�m by myself in my hotel room. That�s the part of this job that I don�t really thik that people understand abot my job. It�s lonely. I�m pretty loney right now. I don�t have the best crew. They�re nice but they weren�t interested in doing anything tonight and I�m not really the kind person to go out by myself. Dinning and stuff I�m fine with but going out and stuff I�m still pretty shy with it. I thought about going to a bar but I just don�t really think I would have fun by myself. I used to be but the older I get I seem to get less and less brave. I just don�t know what I would do at a bar by myself. I think part of it is that I don�t want to be tempted. I�m not sure if I said it before or not but JAB and had a long discussion a long time ago and decided that we were going to have a truly monogamous relationship. It�s not really normal in the gay community or if it is I don�t hear about it a lot. I�m watching Miss congeniality on TV and I�ve decided that if I were straight Sandra Bullock is who I�d want to be with. Anyway back to my thought. I don�t have anything against what people do in their relationship but we�ve decided that we were going to be 100% monogamous. I really in my heart think that JAB has been faithful to me. I have in general also. But I don�t know what would happen if I met someone. I hope I would do the right thing and pretty much I have. I�ve kissed someone before but that was about it. In my eyes it�s better that I stay here in my room and drink by myself that risk doing something. Even though I don�t think JAB would ever know I just want to try to stay honest, which explains why I�m in my room by myself drinking at 11 pm local time.

To change gears, I�m wondering a lot about this diary. I enjoy it but I think I need to make some decisions. I do this really for myself. I�ve always had some sort of diary or journal and I like the fact that this is in a form that I don�t have to keep around the house or anything but the one thing that this has is the aspect that other people read this and in some ways I feel that there is some sort of unspoken competition to get the most people to place you in their favorites. I somehow got to this diary that is fairly new. He already has more people listed in his favorites than I do and he only been around for about a month. Granted he talks about sex and masturbation a lot and I don�t. While I�m typing this I�m already hating what I�m writing. This is not about competition. It�s about me being in my room a little depressed and being able to write this. It�s about getting comments from people that I really like and wish that lived by me. I�ve always had a pretty competitive personality and I need to get past it.

Finally I woke up today to hear that Mr. Rogers had died. It really touched me because I felt that his simple message to kids to love themselves and others is something that we as adults could all use and live by.

I have a nice enough buzz to go to bed. I just wish I was home.

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