PITY PARTY

I really wasn't going to write a passage today for many reasons. Well mostly just one. I'm boring. I spent about two hours today going through a lot of diaries. I started with tmb and followed one of his links to someone else then followed another one and another one. It was very interesting but it really made me think a lot about myself. I usually consider myself pretty deep but when I read things from tmb I just feel very shallow. He has such insight and reads poetry. I used to do those things. I double majored in Communications and English. I used to read every day even after I graduated. I can't tell you the last book I read. Well that's not true. I just finished Songs of Solomon by Toni Morrison. I hate Toni Morrison. I hated her in college when I forced to read the Bluest Eye and Beloved and I didn't get any of them. For the first time in my college career I had to read the cliff notes. The truth of the matter is that I don't hate Toni Morrison. I think she must be a genius and I wish I understood more of what the subtexts are. I bought Go Tell it on The Mountain by James Baldwin. I haven't started yet. I had to read that in college also and I couldn't get through it fast enough so I'm hoping now that since I won't be forced to read that I will be able to get through it.

I just wish that I had a chance to use my brain more. I feel like as every day goes by I loose more and more. I think a lot of it has to do with my job. We don't think. We just do it the way it's regulated to do it. I don't have to make any decisions at work really. Even when I fly as head flight attendant I just follow the procedures. The thing is that I'm not a procedures kind of guy. This job is so regulated, from the uniform to the "you must sign in at 10:25" not 10:26 or 10:27 but 10:25. It just bugs me. M.I. and I were talking today about how much we hate the job. She's supposed to go with her parents to Las Vegas and she doesn't want to go. She doesn't want to deal with pass riding and the hoping to get a seat. Everyone else at my job seems to be ok with it except for the two of us. Really that's not true because there's a whole bunch of flight attendants who never travel. Never. I don't travel enough. First of all we don't have any money and 2nd I hate using buddy passes with JAB. It's just so stressful. If he gets on we usually can't sit together and part of the fun for me is sitting together. So we plan on buying a ticket but then I can't guarantee that I will have that day off since it's 3 months in advance. It just sucks.

I have to find another job. I have to. But the question is that I don't know what I want to do. I think that I wouldn't mind being a copy writer again but I haven't done that in almost 13 years. I don't even feel smart enough to do that any more. My artistic and intellectual soul is being destroyed. A couple of months ago I bought a book called the Artist Way. It�s supposed to help you find your artist self. I couldn't get past the first chapter.

M.I. contends that we are both suffering from depression and I think about that. I'm not suicidal at all but sometimes I think about besides my parents and JAB who would care if I died? I'm sure people would be sad. I hope they would be.

OMEN alert, JAB just called me from downstairs and told me to turn on a movie where Doris Day is a Flight attendant and has to fly the plane. He will be punished for that later.

I was watching MTV tonight and that had this show called battle of the sexes or something like that. It was stupid but I just wondered what it would be like to be 22 again. I will be 35 years old next month and I'm not sure that I'm ready for it. But the funny thing about life is that ready or not it comes anyway.

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