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I admit that he has shouldered alot. Leaving Delta was a mistake financially. Yes, professionally if I wanted to go anywhere else I had to leave but financially it helped ruin us as a family. I take blame for that But I remember the day that I got the job offer and I told JAB he told me to take it. I told him I didn't know if we could make it but he said to quit. That was February and I took leave until August and I asked him if he was ok with it. If he was ok that I couldn't pay any part of the mortgage and he said ok.
I admit that I wanted to move to a nicer house. But it wasn't just for me. We'd been broken into 4 times. JAB's less than stellar cleaning abilities was driving me crazy and I thought we could get one house. One last house for awhile that was new, wouldn't need anything fixed. Yes I admit that I pushed it but he was right a long side of me. I didn't threaten to beat him or leave him if he said no. He said he wanted it to.
Now years later, I've been promoted twice. I'm back close to making what I was making before. JAB being self employed is not doing as well. His depression has gotten worse. His habits have gotten worse. We both have picked up bad habits. We've always been drinkers but now he does 2 bottles of wine alone, I can go through a bottle of tequila in a week. Yes we both use stress as an excuse but it's puttin unwanted weight on him and me. We can't even talk anymore. I love him and he says he loves me but we can't talk. I try, I think I'm trying to listen to his fears and doubts and disappointments. I try to offer suggestions but basically I'm told that unless things change money wise there is no good solutions. Me, I'm thinking that things are going to get better. That's why I put up with the shit from my boss. That's why I work 10-12 hours days to build my resume and make connections so at some point I can take over and he can slow down but I don't know when that will be. I don't know if he or I will even be here. I get these massive headaches and feel dizzy all the time. I'm hoping that it's my sinus. I put on such a happy face at work and that takes so much energy. Even if I wanted to I can't talk about it because I still haven't come out at work.
I'm depressed also. I'm just a better actor. I want things to approve but I can't do it by myself and JAB thinks he's working just as hard as I am to make our relationship better. I don't know when to just cut my loses.
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