I can't think of anyting
Then of course I crashed where I couldn�t talk to anyone and just vegged so I watched 9 out of 11 episodes of the L word. I�m those weird people who don�t get into shows and stuff right a way. I�m just now watching Will and Grace and Girlfriends and I am enjoying them.
I want to cry. I wish I were a crying person. I do cry. Not really cry but I tear up pretty easily. Especially the past few months. I was watching Oprah on Friday or Thursday about a woman lived in filth. Literally. These two English women who I guess are going to be the next English transplant to TLC or Discovery cleaned her house. Oprah being who Oprah is continued to say that the problem wasn�t solved. Yes she now had a clean house but she hasn�t dealt with what made the house dirty in the first place. At one point Oprah�s talking to her and she say�s �You have to get help; you�re going to make me cry.� I of course lost it. I didn�t cry but a tear ran down my face more like a couple. I know or guess that Oprah does that on purpose. I haven�t heard a lot of great things about her personally. Yes she donates a lot of money to charities and I love her for that but I�ve heard that she�s not very nice to the �help� especially when she used to fly our airline. She was very partial to American and would let it known. Of course it could all be rumors. Who knows but the thing is that even if her whole �you�re going to make me cry� thing was a gimmick it worked on me because I�m so on the edge right now.
It�s so hard for me because I�ve always worked fairly hard to get the little bit that I got and I�ve never wanted a lot. I never wanted to be the most popular guy in school just on the fringe. I never wanted to go to an Ivy League school just one that wouldn�t make me embarrassed. I never had to have a 6 figure income just enough to buy some shoes every once in a while. I didn�t have to have the hottest boy friend just someone who treated me well. I worked hard for all of those things ands it�s like nothing works for me anymore.
Of course all of this is coming from the fact that I probably didn�t get the job that I was pretty over qualified for and a job that I was going to take a 8 thousand dollar a year pay cut for. A job that I told myself would open doors for me and would get me out of this hell. A hell that no one seems to understand that I�m in. Yes they understand but everyone is pretty happy when I just don�t talk about it. Which I understand. I�m tired of talking about. I�ve never been one of those happy, witty people who tell funny tales about gay life or life in general. I�ve always been a little melancholy but now it�s like I�m sinking into this hole.
Here comes a Buffy reference. I may have talked about it before but it�s one of those moments that has always and will probably always stick with me. Back-story. Buffy the Vampire Slayer has a sister Dawn. Dawn�s not her real sister she was created by monks to be real so Buffy would protect her from Glory who is this all powerful God who wants to pretty much end the world by using Dawn. (The story is a little bit more entailed but work with me) Anyway at some point Glory is kidnaps Dawn and Buffy falls into the catatonic state where in her mind she thinks that she killed her sister because she did something wrong. She thinks that because at some point in the past she knew that Glory was going to beat her and that Glory was going to win. She knew the exact moment. She was putting a book away and she realized in her mind that she was going to lose and that Dawn was going to die.
I had a moment like that today. It scared me. I was doing my FAA manual and a thought hit me that I was never going to leave my airline. That no matter what I was going to be a Flight Attendant until I die. It was only a passing moment it didn�t last as long as it�s taken me to write the last sentence but it�s like something hit me and told me to get used to putting in revisions and get used to doing boring trips with boring people and get used to being gone all the time and get used to the empty feeling I have every time I put on my uniform and prepare for my day. It would be over and I would just go on with my life and stop stressing about the job search and why I can�t find a job and my qualifications.
Transcript from BtVS Episode 99 Weight of the World
Buffy: I can't beat Glory. Glory's going to win.
Willow: You can't know that.
Buffy: I didn't just know it. I felt it. Glory will beat me. (looks away) And in that second of knowing it... I wanted it to happen.
Willow: Why?
Buffy: I wanted it over. This is ... all of this ... it's too much for me. I just wanted it over. If Glory wins ... then Dawn dies and I would grieve. People would feel sorry for me. But it would be over. (looks away) And I imagined what a relief it would be.
I�m so tired.
My Weather
