Live from Pensacola

Well I�m laying over in Pensacola Florida. Yes this is such a glamorous job. The good thing is that the hotel or I should say motel gives us two free bottles of beer and one bottle of wine. I�m working on my first beer now. Who knows if I�ll have the second one. I remember reading somewhere that a sign of schizophrenia is the act of doing something over and over again and expecting a different result. Well I think I�m doing that. I think I�m schizo. JAB and I are fighting again. We had a big fight last night. Now the things is that JAB and I try hard not to fight before I go to work but this fight started on Saturday when my parents where here so we couldn�t fight in front of them so it boiled over to yesterday. I believe in theory now that I have a hard time letting things go. I need to learn how to just roll with the punches but I�m just not great at it. When I�m mad I�m mad and I need a resolution. Of course with JAB there is usually a lack of resolution. Just an apology. I don�t know where life is going to lead us because now he�s agreeing with me that maybe we need to break up. There�s a part of me that welcomes it. We�re such different people. The whole thing about opposites attracting is true but you don�t hear about opposites staying together. We both agree that we love each other. But from there we�re at a loss. Maybe this is normal. I read other blogs or diaries. (I�m not really sure what the difference is) and I read how their partners are so close and never fight and are just meant for each other or they�ve gotten into this comfortable situation of just existing. At this point I would settle for anything. I know one problem is that we�re both broke right now. Me more than JAB and it seems like it�s going to be that way for a while now. Things at my job sucks more than usual and I�m just hoping for a quick out. There is no quick out. Maybe it�s just stress. We�re both really stressed right now and realize that things work better for us when I�m the one not stressed. JAB said that I don�t handle life well. He�s right. I just don�t know where I want to go from here. I just want to be normal.

JAB is going to be in a depression study. He�s not sure he�s going to be chosen but he wants to be. He thinks he needs to be on medication and he thinks that I need to be also. I just can�t imagine taking more pills. I think I would feel like such a failure if I can�t handle my problems without medication. I�m going to take a strong effort when I get home to try to find a counselor to speak with.

Did I mention how much I hate layovers? I hate not being at home even an unhappy home. God, please help me get a job that pays about as much as I�m making now. That�s all I want. Ok maybe a little more.

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