The shame of keeping the closet door shut.

Back when I was in college I was in a fraternity. It�s hard to say if I was straight then. I dated girls, a lot but I always had that twinge. I made two very close friends there. I would say that they were my best friends. For two years I shared everything with them. Except for the obvious. Of the two Haman was my best friend. Everyone thought he was gay. He was very effeminate. That wasn�t why we were friends. We were just pretty social at the time and our fraternity was on the upswing and we were able to bring a more social air to our fraternity house. Peter, my other friend was all about Ralph Lorren. He was so mature for his age even though he was a year younger. He was the first person to introduce me to wine and how to get out of the whole grundge thing that was very popular in the West Coast. My senior year Haman moved into an apartment without telling me and that kind of put a damper on our friendship. Peter became friends with this muscle head and he changed. I got a new roommate who became my first love and I was totally wrapped up in that. Except for Tuesdays. Tuesday were the night for exchanges. Exchanges (I�m not even sure if they�re called that now) for those who may not know are best described as a party with one fraternity and one sorority. Depending on your relationship with the sorority it could last an hour or last all night. But by my senior year I was over the small talk so the president of my fraternity and myself became having our own exchanges at a bar. It would usually be Ralph, myself and Marty (who in hindsight tried to come out to me but I was too stupid to see it at the time). Ralph and I became real good friends in a weird way because we were both tired of the fraternity life and really wanted to leave and go out into the real world. We were also sick of our pseudo responsibilities. Ralph was president and I was corresponding secretary. He came from a German heritage and was tall and lanky. He was so smart but had a great sense of humor. Marty, Ralph and I would spend hours at a local bar and just talk about junk. About how we wanted to get out of college and go to work and get married. Marty had a serious girlfriend at the time, Ralph was searching and I was dating a freshman girl (while all the time trying to break up my roommates relationship with his girlfriend who I went to high school with- another long story worthy of a entry itself). After graduation I left and moved here. I only saw Ralph and Marty one more time. I heard that Marty had gotten married and that Ralph was on the fast track dating a girl named Winifred.

Fast forward to last new years eves. I called Haman as I usually do on New Years Eve and we caught up. I asked how Marty was doing, he�d lost touch with him and then asked about Ralph. He told me that Ralph and Winifred were doing fine. I asked when they were getting married since I heard they�d been dating for a long time. Haman laughed and said that it wouldn�t be legal. I asked why and asked if she was married and Haman asked why I kept saying she. I was lost. I asked Haman what I should call her and he said that it was a he. I was totally confused. Haman told me that I was confused because Ralph had came out and was Gay. I was totally shocked. I asked about the Winifred thing and he said that his name was Winfred. I was shocked because of all the people who I thought would be Gay it wasn�t Ralph. Haman then admonished me because he thought I was being a homophobe. Of course the door was open for me to tell Haman that I was Gay also but I didn�t. I just explained the true shock feelings that I had. Haman told me how Ralph had written a letter to everyone he was still close to, explaining that he was Gay and that he understood if people stopped being his friend. Haman said that he had it hard but was doing ok and was happy to be Winfred.

I just got an email from Haman telling me that A) His wife is pregnant again. B) Peter was on child number 3 and C) Ralph and Winfred broke up. I�m just a little embarrassed with myself because I�ve been in a relationship for almost13 years and I have built a descent life but I�m not open enough to tell anyone from my past. No one that I went to high school or college went knows that I�m Gay and I don�t understand why. I never see these people. They don�t really mean anything to me more than a lot of found memories but I just can�t do it. I don�t know why. I started typing why and I just can�t think of anything. I�m living this big huge secret and it bothers me but I don�t think I have the guts to email Haman and say �I�m Gay too and congrats on the second child.� BIG SIGH. I�m kind of ashamed of myself right now.

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