A TIME FOR EVERYTHING

I hate hearing my mother cry. The anniversary of my grandfather�s death is coming up very soon and for some reason we got to talking about him. It hurts me that I didn�t really get to know my grandparents the way some people do. My parents got married pretty old in life. 28-34 respectively. Both of my Dad�s parents died before he was 18 so he barely remembers them and my Grandfather on my mother�s side died when I was 5 and I only saw my grandmother once a year in the summer up until she got Alzheimer�s and came to live with us but by that point I was almost finished with college and had moved here. I just wished I had those strong memories. I vaguely remember my grandfather and honestly I�m not sure if it�s real memories or things that were just planted in my brain by my Mom. My grandmother, unfortunately, all I remember is her times when she was bedridden and I had to change her feeding tube.

Because of the family feud that is going on I don�t even have any pictures from my Grandmother when she was not in a hospital bed. Sad.

JAB for some reason wanted to make get me drunk. I�m not sure why. We had sex last night for the first time this year. But I asked him to make me a drink and he made it so strong that I could barely drink it. But being the formal fraternity I gave it the old college try and I have a nice buzz going but it�s 12am and I have to go to work tomorrow and I�m by myself so what good is that doing me know?

I�m in a weird mood tonight. Not a bad mood, just kinda out there. I�m in one of those listless moods where I feel like I should be doing some productive and I�m not. Like I�m looking for the answer to something but just can�t put my finger on it. I know I�m odd. I�ve just dealt with that fact.

My mother and I were discussing whether things happen for a reason. A time for everything, and everything its place. It�s been on my mind a lot. Why did I move to Atlanta? Why did I stay here? Was I meant to? I wonder if I had stayed home would I have come out completely to my parents. I just found out New Years Eve that the president of my Fraternity, who was the straightest guy in the world, is gay. He�s come out to everyone and has been living with his partner for 5 years now. He and I were very good friends. If I had stayed would we had come out to each other. I doubt if he knew that I was gay and I sure as hell didn�t know that he was.

Would my life be any better or like JAB said, would I be dead or HIV positive because I was still trying to hard to hide from my parents and I would have lead a more risky lifestyle. Who knows? I guess all I know is that I have to deal with whatever I�ve been dealt. God, I wish that I wasn�t so depressing. I don�t like drama per se, but I�m truly one of those people that when I drink I become very introspective. I want to talk about life and the meaning of. Most people just want to drink and have sex. What�s wrong with me?

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