PITY PARTY TIME. YOU MAY WANT TO MOVE ON TO SOMEONE ELSE

I don't know why I do this to myself. It's such self defeating behavior. I was web surfing a little while ago. I do that a lot especially when I get off work and I came across this blog of a flight attendant who flies for Air Canada. The more I read the more I started feeling bad about myself. First why can't I fly to all of these great destinations? I use to fly to London and Paris, Brussels, Lima, all these great cities and then all of the sudden it just became very old for me. I know that my airline has a reputation of being very boring on layovers which is true. I've spent many a nite in a city by myself because the other members of the crew want to go to bed. I also realize that my company has very few male flight attendants which means that you end up working with a lot of women who have children and the layover is their get away from kid�s time.

I just wish I like my job. When reading his blog it made me wonder what was wrong with me. Then I saw pictures of him and his crew on the beach with six packs and me thinking, I wouldn't dare let anyone see me with my shirt off.

I hate that I'm always comparing myself to other people. Especially gay people. I think that is the reason why I remove myself away from other gay people because in so many ways I'm intimidated. I'm the picture perfect gay male. I don't fall into the category. There are so many people at work who think that I'm straight. I'm not saying it's a bad thing it's just that I don't always give out the gay vibe and to me the gay vibe is the fun vibe so I start wondering why I get along with older married women who I see all the time and they love the fly with me but a lot of gay flight attendants don't even know I exist.

I don't know what I want. I know I could go back to flying international but then I know that I would have to go back to flying every weekend and that would mean less time from JAB. It would also mean screwing up my body. A lot of my weight gain came from flying for 10 hours when everyone else is asleep and you have nothing to do but eat. That's the joke with my company. Uniforms come in small medium large and international. I don't know what I want. How can I be a 35 almost 36 year old man and still be so lost about what I am and what I am and where I'm supposed to be in this world.

The major thing that pisses me off is that I'm having these thought at 12:35am and this is going to stay with me all night. I hate being depressed. I started out today depressed and I'm ending the day depressed and I don't know what to do about it. I can read other peoples journal, diary, blogs etc and see that they are so together and driven. They know where they are going and then I look at myself and think what the hell is wrong with me. Is my life just destined to be mediocre. Nothing special. Just Joe Blow from Illinois. (No offense to Illinois). I�m never going to be �hot�, I�m never going to have a �hot� boyfriend. I�m never going to be a size 31 again and I will probably never take my shirt off in public. You will never see pictures of me with my fun crew on the beaches of Cancun because those pictures don�t exist. I work for a mediocre company with other mediocre people. We are number three for a reason. And that�s how I feel. I�m will always be the third runner up. The person no one remembers.

Actually at this point I feel a little better than I did 5 minutes ago when I started this. Maybe I just needed to vent. Ok. I'm done now.

My Weather