My day
Today JAB came home early. He said that he didn�t feel good and we decided that it was probably his sinuses. He said that he was going to go to bed but he was going to check on his sister first. His sister is in the throws of another kidney failure. She�s had 2 Kidney transplant and it looks like it�s going to be time for another one. I should throw this in. JAB�s family, well they are mentally challenged. I don�t really have the energy to get into but just trust me when I say that there is a lot of mental illness in all of them. Including JAB but I feel that leaving that small town in Florida helped him greatly. Anyway JAB was having a conversation with one of his brother�s. I don�t know any of them. I�ve only met his sister. I don�t know how everything came to be but in the end he was talking to his younger brother, let�s call him Jimmy. I knew that JAB was on the phone with him but I was up here. I was on the computer when JAB came up sobbing. I mean sobbing. It scared me because I thought that his sister maybe had gotten sick or worst passed away. JAB was crying so much I couldn�t understand what he was saying. I got him to calm down and he told me that his brother was so mean to him and that he hated him for what he said about me. Again, never meeting Jimmy I didn�t know what to think. JAB told me how his brother called JAB a Nigger loving Faggot and how he was going to come up here and kick JAB�s ass and mine and my Nigger family. JAB was devastated and so was I but I couldn�t show it. Because I had to make sure that he was ok. Then I had to make sure that Jimmy wasn�t really a threat so I called him. I became a different person. A person that I know exist in me. I cussed him out. I told him that if he ever came up here I would show him what a Nigger was. I told him that he needed to hope and pray that nothing happened to my parents because I would hold him personally responsible. We had a war of words, mostly my words because, not tooting my own horn and even though it probably doesn�t show here. I am a word master and I have a way, when need be to make people feel about 2 inches tall and even though he called me every racial slur in the book I just continued to remind him that I�ve never lived in a trailer, (he and his wife does), I�ve finished high school, ( he hasn�t), I went to college and double majored, (go back to the no high school thing) and that if need be I could take some money out of my dwindling savings and fly to Florida and confront him. Now at first I reveled in the fact that I kinda scared him. I enjoyed the fact that all he could do was to call me racial ephitats, which honestly at this point in my life means nothing real to me anymore. I�ve been called a Nigger so often in my life that it mean nothing. As I told him, he can say the word Nigger so much that it sounds like he�s saying his name but it will never touch me because I know I�m a good person. Of course I ended up hanging up with him, telling him to have a nice day. Why I threw that in, I don�t know. I called my parents and talked to them. JAB came up and of course apologized. I know that JAB doesn�t have that in him. I know it. I really, really know it but why is it that I feel like shit right now. Why is it that I hate this world that we live in? Why is it that I can�t face JAB right now? I can�t face anyone because I�m angry. I�m sick of it. I haven�t done anything to anyone. I am a good person. And even though I know that Jimmy is the ignorant one why is it that I feel in some ways to blame. If I were white Jimmy could have and probably would have called JAB a faggot but of course he couldn�t have played the two insults-no waiting game. I�m so tired. I just want to live my life and be normal. I keep thinking about what my ex friend said to me about when it comes to race issues, the sides are already drawn. I�m tired of having to pick sides. I�m just me. I talk, I walk, I love, I eat, I shower, I succeed, I fail. I put on my pants and take them off pretty much like everyone else. I�m just as human as anyone else. I�m just me. But right now I am so close to the verge of tears that I�m having a hard time writing this and I�m not a crying person. This is the problem with being closeted that at this point. I don�t really have anyone to talk to. JAB told me today that the worse part of all of this was that because he was closeted to his family that he couldn�t defend me. He couldn�t tell him that I was the best thing that ever happened to him. I know how he feels but right now I�m just. I don�t know what I am. I just want to rewind the day when I was feeling good and happy. I want to go back to this weekend when JAB and I had a nice dinner and just layed around. I don�t want to have the feelings that I have right now. I�m so pissed off and I�m so sad and it sucks to have those feelings concurrently. I was going to write something but I erased it because I don�t want to fall into this trap. A trap where I become like Jimmy. I become a person who stops trusting other races. I prided myself when I was in high school, college and even today that I got along with all races. I could get along with everyone. But the thing is. There are a lot of people who don�t want to get along with me. And there�s not a damn thing I can do about it. Hopefully tomorrow I will feel better. I need to talk to JAB. I just know that these are issues that I really hate talking about it because it�s stupid. Racism is stupid but it�s my life and will always be. God I�m so sad right now.
My Weather
