I want to cry

Every once in a while I forget that we live in a very unhappy and mean world. To make a very long story short JAB and I met some friends for dinner and then decided to go to Mary�s and have a few drinks. I didn�t really want to go but ended up drinking more than everyone else. I'm a happy drunk so I and everyone else was having a good time. We decided to go sit out in the patio to get away from the karaoke. We sat behind a bunch of guys. They were playing some sort of what celebrity would you sleep with game. One of the guys said that he would sleep with Van Diesel. One of the other guys said, �You know he�s half nigger.� I was hoping that no one heard him but JAB did. He stood up and was going over there and I told him to just leave it alone. I�m tired of the fight. I�m tired of being angry. I don�t get it? I�m not perfect. I remember a long time ago, I was maybe 10 or 11 and I used the term, that someone was an Indian Giver. My dad took me aside and told me how wrong that was and I how it was a racist slur. I didn�t know and I remember crying because at the time my best friend was Native American and he told me that I couldn�t play with him anymore because I used a racist slur. Of course my Dad let me play with him but he made the point.

I can say that in my heart I love everyone. I know it sounds like a clich� but I understand that there is good and bad in all races and sexes etc. The thing that bothered me tonight is that I never thought of how JAB has to deal with it. When these types of things happen, most people can just cringe and let it go but JAB, because he's dating me feels the need to step up to the plate and say something. JAB lost a good friend becuase of racial slur he used. He told me that he was angry because he thought I would judge him on those people. I hit him (playfully). I know JAB and I know that he doesn�t have a bigoted bone in his body. I just hate that he has to deal with it by dating me. The whole event put a downer on the whole evening. We ended up leaving right after that. I wished that I was a crying person. I want to cry right now because I don�t understand the hatred. What have I done to people to make them hate me because of my skin color? How ignorant is that? I know that as it has been said, �this too will pass. But right now I�m really tired and unhappy and I hate living in the South where I feel this is prevalent. I want to go back to the West coast where I felt that people are more opened minded. I want people to understand that I have am attracted to white men, black men, asian men, hispanic men, etc. I think that Sandra Bullock is pretty the same way I think that Queen Latifah is pretty also. I'm not trying to blow my own horn but why can't people just try to be open. I want to cry for me and for JAB but all I feel is confusion and the need to search out people who will accept me; skin color and all.

My Weather