Back at home ramble
I�m not going to get into the boring details. We ended up renting a car because the shuttle to my parent�s house from the airport is 50 buck one way and to rent a car for the whole time was 120 so it was worth it to me.
Of course when we got to my parents house they had done none of the things I had asked them to do. I wanted them to at least start packing but they had done absolutely nothing. JAB and I packed up about half of their house during our 5 day, 4 night stay. It was strange to me knowing that I was leaving the house I had called home since I was 12. JAB couldn�t understand why I wasn�t sad or nostalgic. I don�t know why either. I don�t know if it�s because I was a military brat who moved every two years until I was twelve or if I�m just cold hearted. I�m hoping for the first choice. It was nice to see some of my old things like my year books and old pictures but I didn�t feel the nostalgia that JAB felt. I wished I did.
My Dad is an alcoholic. I realized that this trip. He went out with some friends and got very very drunk. I�ve never been so ashamed of my father. It hurts me to even talk about it. I love my father but he needs help. The one thing I never wanted in life was to be ashamed of my Dad. I know that he loves me and that he has a good heart. He apologized profusely but as my Mom always says. The damage has been done. I�ve lost respect for him and I don�t really know where you go from there. I saw that my Dad really needs some physiological help and that he can be the nicest guy and the biggest Asshole. I saw that I have my father in my and that scares me. My mom said it best last night when she said that I was just like him. I always thought that I was more like my Mom but I see now that my Dad and I are very much alike and that may destroy our relationship. I�m growing up so fast. It�s been a long time since I was Mom and Dad�s little boy but on this trip I saw the tables turning. I saw how my life is going to be as an only child. They need me more than I need them. I will always need my parents. Just to talk to or to loan my money every once in a while or for the advice that only a parent can give;. But now I�m the one who will have to take care of them. I�m not sure if I�m ready for the challenge.
I didn�t have a bad trip. I know a lot of my entries lately sound like a poor me session. I don�t want them to be. I�m happy often. I think I�m just going through a phase where I�m searching for something. But everyone else around me is searching also so there�s just a room full of people not knowing where they are going.
I got home just in time to see the series finale of Buffy The Vampire Slayer . I think that it�s the only show that I started watching from beginning to end every week. I haven�t missed an episode in 7 years. The character of Buffy said something that makes me think that the write Joss Whedon is in my head somewhere. To give a real quick back ground for the crazy people who have never got into the show. Buffy is a Vampire Slayer, hence the title. Buffy fell in love with a vampire with a soul, which is too hard to explain but let�s just say that he�s good now. He was the love of her life and he left town to give her a life. She ends up having a relationship with another Vampire, Spike who also now has a soul. Anyway, Angel shows up and pretty much asks Buffy if there is a chance for them. Buffy said this best which in a way describes me. She says that she is like cookie dough. She's not done baking, she's not done being formed into the finished product and that she needs time to finish baking so she can be a cookie. It�s a weird analogy and one of those had to be there moments but that�s how I feel like. I feel like I�m not finished baking. Even thought most of the times I say that I like who I am I don�t know if I�m being completely honest. I read TMB�s diary today and as always I am a little bit envious because he�s the best damned writers I know and I know a lot of writers, anyway, I was drawn to one sentence where he wrote : �It's taken me a long time to get to the point where I'm more accepting of my own personality.� I don�t know if I�m there yet. But I feel like for some reasons that DBFEB is going off the air and that a new spin-off will be airing soon. With my parents moving here in less than a month, my whole life is going to change. They will be 45 minutes away instead of 4 hours and I will probably have more contact with them than I�ve had for over 13 years. JAB is going to be there too and that�s a hole other issue. At what point will they ask why JAB hasn�t moved out and gotten married? When they ask what will I tell them?
Again, I�m rambling and this probably makes little to no sense to anyone else reading this. I�m not sure if I get it either.
My Weather
