I feel like crap
The crisis of the day. JAB lost his wallet. It was bound to happen. Part of what I described as JAB�s compulsive behavior problems is that he can not stand a wallet in his back pocket. So because of that he has a medium size organizer that he uses as his wallet, checkbook, etc. The problem with that is that JAB also has a set of keys that probably has 10-15 keys on them and he hates having that in his pocket so he is constantly holding is keys and his wallet in his hands. But at stores when he needs a free hand he�s always laying his wallet on the counter or in the buggy.
JAB just called and said he found his wallet. It was in the grocery store buggy that he left in the parking lot. Thank God an honest man found it. The problem with this is that now when he gets home and I try to explain to him that he needs to just get an old fashion wallet that he can keep in his pocket he will not want to talk about it. I�ll pressure him and he�ll get mad. My goal today is to try to change MY behavior and just tell him what I feel. But when I do that I always feel like I�m just giving in. I�m not doing it for me. I�m doing it for him. We all have lost our wallets but JAB has had so many �near misses� like today and one day he�s not going to be so lucky.
I had an interesting day at work. Not really interesting but something happen that made me feel good. Yesterday I felt like shit. Not really any worse but just different. Yesterday my nose wouldn�t stop running so I was constantly blowing my nose which is so gross to me. I hate doing it which is probably why I�m so congested now. Anyway there was this guy in First Class. Very good looking in that 40-50 year old type that I find so attractive now that I�m almost that age. He wasn�t Queer as Folk hot or anything but just a genuinely good looking guy. The whole flight from Syracuse he was just sitting there. No lap top, no book, no magazine. Nothing. Which is odd especially for first class. He just sat there and seemed to be at peace. Or he was really bored out of his mind. I don�t know. We would make eye contact everyone once in a while which makes me uncomfortable because I don�t like people to know that I�m staring at them even if I am. He was drinking White wine and every time I re poured his glass he made a point to say thank you and make eye contact. Now the thing about that is that hardly anyone says thank you any more and eye contact is hardly ever there which is why I hate my job but I won�t go into that. Towards the end of the flight I asked him if he wanted to finish off the bottle. He smiled and said no but that he wanted a bottled water. I was out so I went to the back to get more. Another flight attendant was on her way to first class so we passed each other. On my way back to first class I heard the other flight attendant ask him if he needed anything else. I then heard him say �No, I�m fine; the good-looking gentleman is getting me some water�
That felt good for two reasons. One, because I felt like crap and didn�t at all feel anywhere near towards my best. Two, the other male flight attendant is what you would historically be called good looking. I�m not begging for compliments even though I love them but it�s just nice to hear how other people think of you especially when you don�t have that view of yourself. I�ve always had major self esteem problems. Not when it comes to me as a person. I really do think in my heart that I�m a good descent person. I�ve just always felt subconscious of my height 5-8 and that I�ve never been a small guy. I would never call myself fat but I could loose some weight. Atlanta, I�m sure like most other medium to large cities values looks so much. You can be the biggest asshole in the world but as long as you have the looks. I think it�s true in the straight and gay community I just think that it�s more prevalent in the gay community. I remember this flight attendant telling me that he would never date anyone over 40 because they were just trolls. I reminded him of all the attractive men in the public world who was 40 and over and he said that he couldn�t date someone that old. I guess I could understand if he was 18 but he was 26. I just laughed to myself thinking that he will be the 50 year old still trying to hang on to youth and will probably be the type to �buy� the 18 year old trick.
There was an episode of Nightline a few months back that talked about a gay retirement home in Florida. It was mostly Lesbian but quite a few gay men. This one guy was 60 years old and his partner was 75 he said that they were happier now than they had ever been because they know who they are and the other people in the retirement community accepted them for who they were. I was very envious.
This weird post is probably the result of the remnants of all the cold medicine in my system.
My Weather
