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At work I have to do all the work. I have to be the one who holds my tongue when people are completely totally insane. I have to be the one who sits during lunch hearing about everyone else�s relationship and I can�t talk about mine. I�m tired of having to be the ring leader for everyone�s birthday party, going away party etc but when my birthday comes I get Pizza Hut.
I work at this relationship of almost 19 years which seems to be slowly disintegrating like my favorite robe of 15 years. I�m tired of always having to remind JAB that even though he�s depressed, he has to help keep the house clean, or he has to take a shower. I�m tired of being the one who has to say, �we need to talk about this or that.�
I love my parents but as the only child I�m tired. At this point at their age I have to juggle when I�m needed and when I�m not. They don�t give me good indicators. My Mom makes me feel guilty for not being there every weekend but tells me that I shouldn�t be there every weekend. My Dad basically lives to do the opposite of what I need or want. My Mom�s 70th birthday was last weekend. Not his fault that he had to have heart surgery during that time period. I got it. But now I needed him to find a restaurant that she wanted to go to. He forgot and now he can�t remember the place or what street it�s on. I�m tired of always feeling like it�s my responsibility to make sure everything is right and perfect. So now I have to find the perfect restaurant in a small town 4o minutes away that my picky mother will enjoy. She�s 70, she deserves to be picky. But she�s like me. If it�s not what she likes I�ll know it.
My parents want me and JAB to go on a cruise with them. JAB won�t commit because my parents are paying my way not his but they keep pressuring me to make sure that he comes. I find my self sighing all the time out of exhaustion. I�m drinking way, way too much but it seems to be the only way to get through the day but I know that with my diabetes it�s not great and alcohol is nothing but empty calories. I want friends but JAB and I are so different that at this point it�s too late. I�m sick of Atlanta. I�m sick of racism. I�m sick of right wing people. I�m just tired.
I want to wake up one day and JAB to say, hey let�s go out to get something to eat or hey it�s Saturday we�ve been invited to someone�s house for dinner. How can we live in a town for so long and have no close friends?
OK I kinda feel better now. Problems aren�t solved but at least I got it out.
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