40

As my 40th birthday approaches (14 days to those who may want to know) I find myself filled with some much sadness. Where I’m at now is not where I imagined where I’d be. MY mom tells me that God has me where I should be. When I hear that I think am I being punished for being Gay. Are all my liberal thoughts that have conflicted with my conservative thoughts finally coming to the surface. I have a lot to be grateful but the older I get the more I realize that at some point and time I will be alone. I’m an only child. I’ve never wished for siblings not really but I know that especially after my Dad’s illness that one day I will be alone. My parents especially my Mom gives me so much comfort. She’s a Mom and one day she’s going to be gone. The reason why I didn’t want to continue this is because I feel like I’m such a downer and I’m not growing the way I should. I’m in this catch 22 where I want people to read and respond and give me advice but that’s not realistic especially since my desire to write about positive things, or life in general is gone. All I want to do know is yell that I’m unhappy and please someone tell me how to fix it.

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