HELP

I really think that I need to take people’s advices, ok my Dad and maybe get some help. Yes I’m happy that I didn’t have a stroke but I have other things going on with me now and no one seems to want to deal with it or talk about it. The left side of my lip has been numb off and on all day. I’m exhausted. I’m a different person now. If this was the old me this new house would be a lot further along than it is. I’d be able to pick out a bathroom rug or pictures for my bedroom. I can’t do any of that. It’s like I want to care but I can’t. I can’t help to think that I have had a stroke but it’s undetected or I have some other health problem that will go undiagnosed.

No one understands the fact that once my Mom thought that I’d had a stroke that she fell apart. I am everything to them. Yes I’m going to hate when the inevitable happens and something happens to them but I want them to go before me. Because no one should bury their children. They’ve done so much for me. I wake up in the middle of the night having strange pains in my head. I’ve had them before but now I wonder if it’s stroke related. JAB tries to be understanding but it’s not in his nature. I hear him now on the phone. In this new house the office is on a loft so I can hear everything he says on the phone. I try not to be pissed because he needs someone to talk to also.

My main thing is that I know that something is wrong with me. It may not be a stroke and trust me, I’m happy about that but my left arm and facial area is still numb. I still don’t eat like I used to. Honestly this past week I’ve been afraid to leave the house. I’m not who I am anymore and JAB says that it may be a good thing. That’s NOT what I need to hear. I’m hoping that it’s a mental thing but then I don’t want to live my life on medication. I’m scared. There’s no other word for it. I’m fucking scared that at 38 my life has completely changed and there’s not a thing I can do about it. I just want to be the person I was last year. I’ve always been neurotic but now it’s truly affecting my life. The old me would have had all of my boxes unpacked. I’ve been off from work for a week. I’m dreading going back to work. I told them that I had some sort of stroke. Ok now I haven’t. Do I tell them that? Then do they think I’m faking. I’ve been thinking about all week what I should wear to work on Monday. Do I want to come back all strong and confidence or slow and thoughtful like I’ve been through a lot. . I’m so messed up right now. All I want to do is sleep. I’m so happy when I take my Ambien and go to sleep. I hate when sunlight comes. That can’t be normal.

I have to admit that I feel like I’m falling apart. GOD I need help right now. I'm begging. This isn't me.

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