Taking an obvious break

I don’t understand why right now I am in such a slump right now. The more I think about it the more I think that I need to be on some sort of anti depression medicine. I don’t understand why I hate myself so much and how I seem to portray myself to others. I think that part of the problem is that I’m trying so hard to no let it on that I’m Gay but then not let it on either. Does that make sense? Nothing I say or do make sense any more. That’s why I’m taking a break from this diary thing for a while because I end up sounding like such a looser. I took some time last week and re read all of my entries. I re read all of my written journals and I was disgusted by myself.

The funny thing is that now that I am the brokest I’ve ever been this is when I need therapy big time. I’ve said it before, I’ve gone before but I feel like I’m trying to hold on to something. Anything. I found myself crying during the news coverage of the airplane crash in Greece because it hit my how for 15 years I did that. I took off and landed not even thinking about it. I cried because I imagined how my parents would react if something happened to me. I cried and cried and cried. Luckily JAB was out. I finally recovered and wondered what the hell happened. It’s like I’m going crazy. I really feel like I’m living in this make believe world where everyone fits and communicates and I’m just there. I can’t get along with my parents or JAB. I’ve been told by two people at work that I “talk” weird and that I act “White”. The last time I went out to Mary’s I was told that I have a lot of attitude and people don’t know why? I’m almost 40 years old and I feel like I’ve made a complete and total mess of my life.

I quit my airline job taking a 40% pay cut and all I dream about is being a flight attendant. I swear every night I have some sort of dream where I’m still flying. What the hell does that mean? Ok as you can see this is why I’m taking a little break from posting stuff because I’m tired of coming across as some lunatic freak when deep inside I feel like a normal guy who just wants to be loved and liked and respected.

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