random

First let me admit that I’ve been drinking. A lot but not a lot for me as person. I guess it’s not a big surprise to people but when I drink I become more open. I’ll talk about anything. I’m an open book. I’m that way anyway but when I drink I become even more so.

Jab on the other hand is different. In my interpretation he becomes the guy who won’t let you get a word in edge wise. What ever the topic he’s going to chime I and roll with it unless it’s politics where he’ll just sit there and listen but he’ll let you that it doesn’t interest him at all.

Now as I was thinking I believe at this point in my life sans death I will be with JAB forever and I’m ok with that. I really am. I love him he loves me. But I don’t know if he’s my soul mate because of when we drink. It may not make sense but my mother always said that my grandmother said that the drunken mind speaks the sober soul and I believe that. JAB is going through a lot. He’s been through a lot and I think at this point in his life he’s bitter and unhappy. Now of course he’s not going to say it but his actions show it.

Now I’m not without fault. I’m almost the opposite. I’ll be in pain and drunk or sober I won’t share it. Right now I’m thinking about an episode of The L Word. If you don’t watch the show then I’m sorry but I’m too tired and buzzed to set it up but pretty much two best friends become partners and their having problems. Alice says at one point that she doesn’t have her best friend to talk to and the other girl says that she understands because she’s lost her best friend too. That’s what I feel like. At this point my best friend is this stupid diary. I have a lot of aquantence but no one that I feel comfortable enough to talk to really. Like I want to talk about the guy who was hitting on me at the bar. I would never do anything but I enjoyed it. I enjoyed hearing that I looked good. It’s not that I don’t want to hear it from JAB but I like hearing from an impartial jury. I wish that I could have a night that was mine and my “friend or friends” who I could trust. Who didn’t want to sleep with me or break up my relationship. But someone who I could go out with alone and be who I truly am. I’m not a bad person but I also think I’m not who JAB thinks I am either.

Ok I’m going to let this go because I feel like I’m bitching or complaining. I just in my deepest heart of hearts. I need a best friend. How pathetic is that….

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